Potvin Newsly

Saturday, January 23, 2010

BCS Bowls Reviewed

[Author: So what if this post is two weeks late? Big fuck.]

With the 2010 professional college football season coming to a close, it has come time to review the five biggest games of the post season: the BCS bowls.

Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Oregon

This was one of the most anticipated match-ups in the BCS bowls, since these teams were pretty much mirror images of each other. Terrelle Pryor outplayed Jeremiah Masoli, and as the winning quarterback earned the right to deflower the Rose Queen, Natalie Innocenzi. Ohio State faced tremendous pressure to win, having fizzled in most of its recent BCS appearances, and they sure did disappoint the critics. An interesting side note is that Oregon head coach Chip Kelly had defeated Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel in the annual pre-game hot dog eating contest. He is the first to coach to have won the contest but lost the game since Pete Carroll defeated Mack Brown in 2006.

Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati

This game ended up being much closer than expected, as most analysts predicted Florida would score between 150-200 points, with ESPN’s Jesse Palmer predicting a final score of googol to (-54). Florida eventually won by a final score of 51 to who gives a shit. Florida coach Urban Meyer suffered zero heart attacks during the game, much to the dismay of Cincinnati fans who were hoping that their opponents would also have to play without their head coach. Meyer told reporters after the game that his health concerns, combined with Tim Tebow leaving, may force him into a quasi-retirement. “Or I might just quit and get a job as the offensive coordinator for whatever NFL team drafts Timmy,” Meyers said. “Best head ever.”

Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. Texas Christian

TCU (Texas Christian) had a rare opportunity for itself and for all teams from non-BCS conferences in making it to a BCS game. However, it failed to convert that opportunity into success and it made all teams from the lesser conferences look foolish for even trying. Sure, with a final score of 17-10, it was a close game, but the fact is that they lost. Now pundits who think that non-BCS teams shouldn’t participate in the BCS bowls at all need only point to this game and say “Why do we even let these teams in if they can’t win the big ones?” Now teams like Bowling Green, SMU, and Boise State may never get a shot at another BCS game again, let alone the National Championship Game. Still, hats off to the Broncos, who should stop fucking crying every single year and just join the Pac 10 already.

Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1!!one!!1 GO HAWKS!!!!!1! YEAH BABY! IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER// THAT’S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE// AND WHEN WE’RE ALL GONE FROM HERE// OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL OUR BEER!!! BOOM! SUCK IT TECH!

Ahem. Now would probably be a good time to confess that I am a slight fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes footballing club. This was a good game. Actually, it was a great game. Pretty much the best game out of all the BCS games, because of, um, its competitiveness. GO STANZI! WOO! CLAYBORN BRINGIN’ DOWN DA HOUSE! BOOM! SUCK IT TECH!

Moving on…

The National Championship Game

How lame was it that Colt McCoy got hurt on the fifth play and didn’t return? So lame that Texas made it a game (trailing 24-21 in the fourth quarter) with their true freshman Garrett Gilbert. Nowadays Colt McCoy just sits in his dorm room listening to Little Texas’ hit single What Might Have Been play on loop on his iPod, which he may or may not have accepted as an illegal gift from an athletic booster. But the point is, his roommate, star receiver Jordan Shipley, has been planning a big St. Valentine’s Day surprise for Colt to hopefully lift his spirits, and sources close to the two say Shipley might pop the question, so shhhhh! keep it on the down-low.

Ummm, and Alabama won. So what?

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

ESPN Still Trying to Convince Nation That NASCAR Is a Sport

BRISTOL, CT — Despite the majority of Americans feeling a general opposition to the notion, ESPN is still trying to convince everyone that NASCAR is a sport.

The network, which has dominated sports coverage in America for several decades, has launched a new ad campaign to help convince viewers and critics who are still unconvinced that NASCAR is really a sport. New slogans to help recruit fans and boost viewership include, “Yes, We’re Still Showing It on SportsCenter”, “It’s Really a Sport… Seriously, We Mean It”, and “NASCAR – Give It Another Chance… Pretty Please?”

Below: One of ESPN’s new photo ads to help convince people
that NASCAR is a really sport and should be taken seriously

“I think these new commercials are great. People need to know that NASCAR really is a sport,” said ESPN analyst Dale Jarrett. “I mean, sure it seems like we’re just driving around in circles really fast, and yeah, that is most of it, but that’s really hard.” Jarrett continued, “Really, really hard. Like bricklaying. I also think bricklaying is a sport because it’s also hard.”

Tim Cowlishaw, another ESPN NASCAR analyst, also insists that it is a sport. “Sure, there’s no ball, and there’s no tournament or postseason, and there’s not a major college system of racing, or really anything else that matches the characteristics of most American sports,” Cowlishaw went on, “but that doesn’t mean it’s not a sport.”

“NASCAR is America’s fastest growing sport, which, by definition of that sentence, makes it a sport,” explained Terry Blount, one of ESPN’s NASCAR reporters and frequent contributor to ESPN.com’s NASCAR page. “I mean, if it wasn’t a sport, then how could it be the fastest growing sport, huh smart guy? Plus,” Blount continued, “lots of people think it’s a sport, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that large groups of people cannot possibly be wrong about any widely held belief they have.”

Despite ESPN’s staunch supporters and efforts, NASCAR continues to be criticized by some for not being a sport at all. Critics point out that the vehicles used in races are not stock cars at all, thereby defying the very name of NASCAR (which stands for National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing), which would be akin to the NBA using a volleyball in its games. Others point to NASCAR’s confusing and contrived scoring system, which is overly difficult to follow during a race. These critics also claim that the scoring system arbitrarily gives higher scores for end-of-season races, ensuring that no driver gains an insurmountable lead and causes fans to lose interest; though such a brash claim is highly suspect as most sports would consider this both highly unorthodox and completely unfair. Still others point to NASCAR’s negative environmental effects, and that it is just plain boring. Beyond that, critics point out that NASCAR is not even the highest level or most difficult form of auto racing.

When asked what he thought of such criticisms, Dale Jarrett responded angrily that “It’s a bunch of crap! Crap crap crap crap crap!” Jarrett became visibly upset and said that he had something in his eyes, and excused himself to the bathroom while sobbing.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

St. Louis Rams Drop Down to Conference USA

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.

Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.

“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”

“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”

Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”

Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”

Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Florida Gators Win NCAA Battle of the Bands

Filed under: Fake News,Sports — Jill Hater @ 11:37 pm

MIAMI, Florida – The University of Florida won their second NCAA Battle of the Bands National Championship in three years by defeating Oklahoma in the final competition last Thursday night. Lead guitarist Tim Tebow was largely credited with the accomplishment, as he gave a clutch performance in the second half of his band’s set. Oklahoma’s lead guitarist, Sam Bradford, gave a disappointing performance when the battle was on the line. Bradford was awarded this year’s Hendrix Trophy, an award bestowed upon college music’s best musician as judged by the Downtown Rockabilly Club. Many consider the Hendrix to be college music’s trophy for best guitarist, however, as few percussionists are ever considered for the accolade.

Tebow won the Hendrix just a year ago, and was a finalist for the honor this year. Bradford won it instead, but many on the Florida band felt that Tebow deserved the award more. “It’ pretty obvious now who the number one guitarist in the nation is,” said Gators bass player Percy Harvin. “Tebow, just call him superman,” he added. Harvin, who played with an injured wrist, had a fantastic showing, confusing the Sooners band all night as he syncopated quarter notes in a walking baseline, and routinely switch from 4/4 measure to a 7/4 measure.

Tebow seemed to will his band to victory in their second breakdown, near the fourth stanza. Tebow played a set of rhythmically oriented riffs on open strings, then contrasted them with second interval dissonant chords and pinch harmonics. When their set was almost over, Tebow jumped in the air and threw his pick into the crowd, where it was promptly caught by David Nelson.

Gators band manager Urban Meyer told reporters after the contest, “We’re going to enjoy the national championship. The Gators are number one.” Defeated Oklahoma manager Bob Stoops said, “In the end, I’ll be glad to try again next year. If that’s the biggest burden I have to bear in my life, I’m a pretty lucky guy.”

Many speculate if Tebow or Bradford will return to play lead guitar their senior year. “I can see Bradford leaving early to play professionally,” said ESPN Band Analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.  “I think he’s got what it takes, and a lot of bands out there could use a guitarist that has that kind of pitch recognition.” In regards to Tebow, however, “I really think the kid should stay in school.” Kiper suggested that Tebow would have very limited success at lead guitar professionally, and even added that many bands would rather look at Tebow as a bass player. “If he tries to go in as a lead [guitarist] like Eric Crouch did in 2002, [Tebow] will probably wind up being a backup rhythm guitarist, or even end up as a roadie for a Canadian band.”

Jerry Jones to Buy Arizona Cardinals

Filed under: Fake News,Sports — Jill Hater @ 12:26 am

DALLAS, Texas – Jerry Jones, the much publicized owner of the Dallas Cowboys, revealed in a press conference on Monday that he plans to purchase the Arizona Cardinals before the Super Bowl. Jones says he expects the transaction to be completed before next week.

“I will present unprecedented sums of money to the Bidwells in order to purchase their team, the Super Bowl bound Arizona Cardinals,” Jones said in front of a party of reporters. “Upon the purchase of the Cardinals, they will immediately be known as the Dallas Cowboys. At long last, I have succeeded in bringing the Dallas Cowboys back to football’s biggest game. Everybody look at me!”

When asked what Jones would do with the original, real Dallas Cowboys, Jones stated, “I’ll just send them to play minor league baseball until they’re ready to play in the big leagues again.” One reporter asked Jones what he would do if Cardinals Owner Bill Bidwell refused to sell his team to Jones. “Refuse to sell his team to me?” Jones exclaimed in a confused southern drawl. “I don’t know if you realize who it is you’re talkin’ to, buddy. I am Jerry Jones. Thee Jerry Jones. I’m no more likely to be refused than the King of England.”

Jones was also asked what he would do if the Steelers were to win Super Bowl XLIII. “Well, I’ll still probably have enough money left over to buy them, though I’ll have to give up on my dreams of buying the University of Arkansas and expunging that bastard Jimmy Johnson’s name from the records there.” Jones also noted that such a bold move of acquiring and combining three teams and their histories would make the Dallas Cowboys the first team to beat themselves in four separate Super Bowls.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Eagles Fans: How Dare McNabb Lead This Talentless Team to 3rd Place

Filed under: Fake News,Hate,Rape/Forcible Sodomy,Sports — Jill Hater @ 1:57 pm
Tags: ,

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.

“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”

Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”

Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”

Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”

Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”

Friday, November 21, 2008

Donovan McNabb Kisses Sister

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Donovan McNabb, the Philadelphia Eagles’ starting quarterback, has come under fire recently for photos showing him passionately kissing his sister at a family reunion this past summer in McNabb’s hometown of Chicago, Illinois. The pictures show McNabb and his sister in escalating poses, starting first with simple hugging and kisses on the cheek, but moving on to groping, open-mouth kissing, and dry humping.

Many speculative “news” commentary shows, such as Countdown With Keith Olberman, Fox & Friends, and even the lowly radio calamity The Glenn Beck Program, began deriding McNabb for the photos. Feeling pressured, McNabb hosted a press conference earlier today to explain his position. While many thought McNabb would state that the woman in the pictures was not really his sister, or that he or his sibling was adopted, McNabb apparently claimed that he didn’t know he was doing “the wrong thing.”

“I’ve never been criticized before for kissing my sister,” McNabb said. “I didn’t even know you weren’t allowed to do that; I didn’t know that was in the rule book.” Reporters asked McNabb what he was referring to when he said “rule book,” but McNabb just continued, digging himself a deeper hole. “In college, nobody seemed to mind me making out with my sister. Even in high school and Pop Warner. But I guess now that I’ve been an NFL quarterback for 10 years, I’m just magically supposed to know the rules. I’d hate to see your guys’s [sic] reaction if you found the sex tape me and her made.”

Several of McNabb’s teammates stood by their quarterback. “This is news to me,” Eagles center Jamaal Jackson said. “My understanding is that you can make out with whoever you want, incest or not.” Defensive end Trent Cole learned the social taboo seven seconds before the Eagles officially tied the Bengals 13-13 in a November 16th game. “I was like, ‘Okay, so McNabb made out with his sister.’ So what? I’d make out with my sister. Hell I’d even make out with his sister. I was just really concerned with going out there and playing that second overtime, though.” After getting the news that one shouldn’t make out with his own sister and that NFL games can end in ties, Cole was visibly upset.

Other players from around the league are stepping up to defend McNabb, as well. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said the press was blowing the photos and McNabb’s comments out of proportion. “I think people are making too big a deal and are being too hard on Donovan, because you’d be surprised; I bet 50 percent of the players in the league didn’t know that you shouldn’t kiss your sister.” Roethlisberger’s teammate, wide receiver Hines Ward admitted that he was one of them, even though Ward was scolded by his mother for making out with his sister just six years ago following the Steeler’s draw with the Atlanta Falcons in 2002.

“No, I didn’t know,” Ward said. “I thought I was one of the last ones to be yelled at for making out with my sis. I thought you just kissed whoever you want. It’s kind of weird now that making out with your sister is still considered socially taboo.”

Roethlisberger reiterated his previous statements, saying “How often does it come up? The rules change so often that you never know what happens; I mean look at Angelina Jolie and James Haven. Tell me there wasn’t something going on there.”

In response to the media’s reaction and the attention given to McNabb, Rush Limbaugh commented on his daily radio program, saying “I don’t think McNabb’s been that incestuous from the get-go. I think what we have here is a little social concern in the NFL,” Limbaugh said. “I think the media have been very desirous that a black quarterback do his sister, and I think there is a little hope invested in McNabb, and I think he got a lot of credit for his performance at this family reunion that he didn’t really deserve.”

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: The Sunday Spotlight

For weeks I published the Sunday Spotlight once the 2007-2008 NFL season had ended. I had promised to deliver one Sunday Spotlight every Sunday until the games began again. This did not happen.

Instead, I published a mere eight of the football inspired posts. That’s kind of disappointing, but hey, I don’t see you out there writing about football.

Well, the 2008 NFL season has started, albeit just the preseason. Nevertheless, this is the last of the Sunday Spotlights for the time being. Like Brett Favre, it is time to retire. And, also like Favre, they will likely return next year, even if some people don’t want the Sunday Spotlight hanging around, and getting in Aaron Rodgers’ way.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: IAFL Update

Well, it seems I got a lot of support from members within the Irish American Football League concerning my original post about them awhile back. A couple of people even posted a link to my web log to some threads concerning the IAFL, including Coach Al from the Dublin Dragons, an IAFL developmental team, who referred to my post as a “little history lesson”. Thanks for the support, guys.

As for that big game between the Dublin Rebels and the Cork Admirals? The Admirals won, 6-0 on a 70 yard pass from David Lomasney to Matteo Spada. Just for the record, “Matteo Spada” doesn’t sound like a very Irish name, now does it? (Or is it actually more Irish because it’s Gaelic? I don’t really know anything about that language, but if that’s the case, then why isn’t he playing Gaelic Football?) In any case, Dublin Rebels, you might want to look into this guy’s background and see if you can’t get him deported… Maybe to Estonia. That’ll show him.

Despite this win, the Admirals do not have a perfect record. They have lost twice to those damned University of Limerick Vikings. Fucking Vikings! And those dudes are undefeated. But is their dominance unquestioned throughout the Irish sub-sub-continent? Nay! For they have yet to play the Dublin Rebels this year. But best believe that on June 22nd, these two foes shall meet in what is being dubbed by many (starting now) to be Shamrock Bowl 21-and-a-half. Boo yeah!

Who will emerge victorious and, therefore, the favorite to take home the title August 10th at Shamrock Bowl XXII? It’s a tough call, though the Vikings will have homefield advantage, but the Rebels have been known to bring books of haikus to offset the power of the Limerick. I’m saying this one’s too close to call.

In other news, I am going to go ahead and mark my full endorsement on the DV8 team the Dublin Dragons based on Coach Al’s support, despite the fact that they are only 2-4. Keep working hard, boys, and climb that figurative mountain of football destiny!

I’ll likely make a Shamrock Bowl XXII pregame analysis and prediction post on August 9th, but until then, keep yourself updated with the IAFL’s official website.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: The Devil and Randy Moss

[Author’s note: With apologies to Washington Irving.]

Randy Moss is maybe the most talented receiver to ever catch a football. I say “maybe” because there’s good reason to believe that Jerry Rice is the most talented. Regardless of who has more talent, Rice will always be remembered as the greatest receiver in the history of football, because he successfully combined his talent with practice and a tireless work ethic to fully realize his potential.

Could Randy Moss have been just as great, or greater than Jerry Rice, if only Moss had worked harder during his career to develop his superfluous talent? I dunno, but this edition of the Sunday Spotlight isn’t really about where Randy Moss sits on the list of greatest receivers ever. This is about the curse.

See, ‘long time ago in Kanawha County, West Virginia, a young boy was playin’ some foosball with his friends. Problem was, he just wadn’t no good at them there games. This boy’d try and try ta get better, but he jus’ wouldn’t get none better. An’ then he tried his hand at the basketball instead, and jus’ the same, the boy wadn’t no better at that than the foosball. Baseball, track, hockey… Well, espessally hockey – the boy jus’ dun like hockey none, but he’d figure he’d try the skates on for size, jus’ in case he was any good at handlin’ that there stick.

But it can get powerful hot in Kanawha County, if one knows what he’s lookin’ fer. That boy heard his friends a talkin’ that the devil lives out in them thar woods, in the hills ‘tween Rand an’ Coal Fork. Yep, an’ they says to ‘im “The Devil’ll give ya wutchya want, but you best believe, the Devil gun’ get his due.” Well, that dun’ bother the boy none, see, cause he jus’ needs to be good at the sports.

See, rumor has it that before the sports world gained mass popularity an’ fell ta shameless commercialization, if you was born in Kanawha County, you wadn’t never gonna leave Kanawha County. Best believe that many a man done broke his back makin’ a penny by shovelin’ coal out them hills, and never seein’ the light of the world ’cause of it. But times is a changin’, and they say if you wanna make it out of Kanawha alive you gotta play the sports and play ’em hard.

So the boy decides he’s gonna play on fate’s fiddle an’ goes out in them woods, wanderin’ around like a lost dog. They say he walked the roughest trails an’ climbed the tallest trees, searchin’ them hills up an’ down, inside an’ out, lookin’ all over for Ol’ Nick. Finally, jus’ as the boy’s ’bout ta give up, he sees a tall, pale lookin’ feller comin’ towards ‘im.

The stranger walks up on ‘im an’ says “You lost boy, or wantin’ a-make a deal?” So the boy says, “I ain’t lost none, mister, but I was thinkin’ I might should oughta make me a deal.” So the stranger says, “You know who I am?” an’ the boy says “You’re Ol’ Scratch. I heard you live out in these here hills.” So the Devil tells ‘im yes, an’ asks ‘im what he wants ta trade fer. The boy tells the Devil he wants ta be good at sports, an’ the Devil jus’ says “Okay, that’ll be one soul, please.” An’ he whips ‘im out a contract from behind his back an’ tells him ta sign it. But the boy’s a bit more clever than that, see, and he says, “No, mister, I wanna be good at all the sports, see. Well, excepts hockey – I jus’ dun’ like hockey none.” An’ the boy says that he dun’ jus’ wanna be good, neither – In fac’, he wanna be the most talented that there is at them sports. So the Devil tells ‘im he’s gun’ hafta talk to his supervisor to make sure it’s okay. He gets back to the boy ’bout ten minutes later and says it’s a deal. So the boy gone on an’ signed that dotted line.

After that, things was different fer the boy. All of a sudden, he was better at them sports than his own friends an’ kin. Not jus’ the foosball, neither – that boy was better at all them sports. He gone on ta high school an’ done lead his foosball team ta the state champyinchip. With the basketball, he got ‘imself named Athlete of the Year – twice. One year he decided he gun run circles ’round the track, an’ he done win the state champyinchip in that, too. He even won some champyinchips playin’ the college foosball. That poor boy didn’t know it was all jus’ set up by Ol’ Scratch ‘imself.

See, the Devil had gone on an’ made it all sorts of easy for the boy ta play them sports and whatnot. An’ early on, the boy had nothin’ but su’cess playin’ all them ball games. He was winning games left an’ right, an’ it jus’ seem like whatever team he’d gone on ta-go-da, they was gun’ win them some champyinchips. An’ the boy’d gone on ta make it all the way up ta the professional foosball league, an’ then he’s playin’ ball with all the big boys. An’ his first year in, e’erybody jus’ say how good he is. They was talkin’ like there was never nobody that good before an’ whatnot. They was sayin’ he’d be the best there ever was, if he wadn’t already. His first year his team gone on ta win them 15 games and only lose ’em 1. His team done set all sorts of records, an’ they done scored them more points than anyone ‘fore ’em, an’ people says they’s maybe one of the best teams in histora. But then they was playin’ the NFC Champyinchip game, an’ they done lost in some overtime. That boy never felt so terrible in his whole life, I tell ya. Then he goes on an’ he play jus’ ’bout a whole dang ol’ decade an’ never got that close to a champyinchip again.

The boy jus’ knew somethin’ was wrong, espessally when he got traded ta the Oakland Raiders. So he went out in them hills ‘tween Rand and Coal Fork in Kanawha County, lookin’ fer the beast. He walks ’round them woods for hours, ’till finally Ol’ Nick walks up on ‘im. “You lookin’ fer me again, boy?” “Yeah,” the boy says. “I ain’t out winnin’ no mo’ champyinchips, mister.” “Well, you ain’t never says nothin’ ’bout winnin’ you some champyinchips, didja boy?” The boy tells ‘im no, but that he wants ta start playin’ on some good teams ‘gain. So the Devil tells ‘im, “Boy, I’ma make you a deal: I tell you, you’s gun’ play fer the best team that ever was. Yer team’s gonna score more points than any team ‘fore it, and it’s gun’ win as many games as any team ever has ‘fore it, but it’s gun’ cost ya.” By now, the boy was dadgum crazy, an’ he says he’ll give the Devil anythin’. So the Devil ends out gettin’ the rights ta the souls ta all his kids, an’ ‘fore you know it, that boy winds up playin’ fer the Patriots in Foxburra.

Well, the Devil done outfoxed ‘im again! Sure enough, that boy played on what people e’erywhere was sayin’ was the best team in histora. They set all sorts of records, an’ they scored more points than anyone ‘fore ’em, an’ they gone on ta beat e’eryone they play. People was sayin’ they were a-playin’ like a team possessed – I guess they dun’ know how right they were. Well, that boy makes his way ta the champyinchip game, and wouldn’t ya know it, they lose ta some team from New York City. Jus’ seems no matter how good the boy plays, or no matter how good a team he’s on, he jus’ ain’t gun win the big one.

They say the Devil’ll give ya wutchya want, but best believe that the Devil gun’ get his due. But if you ask Randy Moss, he’ll tell ya different. He’ll tell ya that the Devil gun’ get his due an’ then some.

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