Potvin Newsly

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Stoner Has Difficulty Describing Lost Item

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , ,

MINNEAPOLIS — A local stoner had a difficult time describing a lost item to his friends in an unsuccessful bid to find said item.

Jesse Ardennes, 28, who works at a construction company specializing in floor tiles, told his friends that he couldn’t remember when or where he last saw the item, though he was pretty sure it was important.

“We were just hanging out over at his house,” said Ardennes’ friend, Dustin Duetenmeyer, 27. “He was like, ‘Let’s fire up the bong’ and we were like, ‘Okay’ but then he was like, ‘Oh, wait. Wait – wait. I think I lost something.’ ” Ardennes then repeatedly told his friends, “Yeah I definitely lost something.”

“And we were like, ‘What did you lose, man?’ ” said Philip Hoyer, another one of Ardennes’ friends who was at the scene. ” ‘What’d you lose?’ And he just kept saying, ‘Uh, a thing, dude. It was this thing, and uh, I think I lost it. No, no, I definitely lost it.’ ”

Ardennes went on to describe the item has having a certain size that he could not recall, and also a particular shape that he would recognize if he could only see it. “It’s probably around here somewhere. Oh wait, I know where it is,” Ardennes reportedly told his friends while rushing into his bedroom, only to return empty-handed and sullen.

Ardennes was not sure if he had tasted the object or not, though he did remark that it felt like “one of those things that makes your fingers feel like, you know, you’re touching stuff.”

Ardennes also remarked that the missing article was at least one color, but maybe more, as he wasn’t sure. “Fuck, what the fuck are those things called?” Ardennes soured. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

When asked by his friends who Ardennes was referring to, he remarked, “That guy, you know. I think his name is Tom. Or Fred. You know who I’m talking about, right?”

Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.

Duetenmeyer then asked his friend if the item was possibly located in his car, to which Ardennes replied, “Dude, maybe it was my car.” Ardennes reportedly took a “mega-hit” off his bong then stated, “No, wait, it’s not my car. It’s um, it’s uh, one of those things that you can buy from that one place.”

Ardennes is still reportedly searching for the object, aggravating his friends, and forcing Alzheimer’s upon himself.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

St. Louis Rams Drop Down to Conference USA

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.

Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.

“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”

“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”

Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”

Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”

Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Lady Gaga: I Too Have Internal Testicles

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 7:44 pm
Tags: , , , ,

NEW YORK — In a press announcement that shocked the pop music world to its core, Lady Gaga told the world that she has internal testicles.

Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, has been one of the biggest musical artists of 2009, selling over 20 million digital singles and 3 million albums worldwide. She garnered critical and commercial success with the release of her album The Fame released in August of 2008. Since then she has been nominated for and won many awards and accolades, making herself one of the biggest names in music.

Lady Gaga told reporters that she compelled to come clean after witnessing “the whole [Caster] Semenya mess.” Semenya, a South African world champion middle-distance runner had questions raised about her gender after taking the gold medal at the 2009 World Championships in Athletics. “I just saw the way she was treated and how the whole thing has been blown way out of porportion,” Lady Gaga told her audience.

Lady Gaga said that she would return her TMF award for Best Female Artist. “I have internal testicles,” she said, “and the increased testosterone may have given me an unfair competitive advantage that allows me to jump higher, run faster, and earn more money on average than my truly female counterparts.”

Lady Gaga also revealed at the conference that she is part Neptunian.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

AP Wire: San Francisco Moves to Iowa

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Paul Asshurts came to Iowa with his partner, Bryan Danbert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Asshurts. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Asshurts joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Danbert. Asshurts agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ ”

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

CDC: Swine Flu Has Mutated into Zombie “Super Virus”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ’28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ‘super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserRichard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The 100th Post Spectacular Extravaganza Divertissement Special

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 12:36 am

Welcome to the 100th post (not counting pages) on The Potvin Newsly. It only took me well over a year.

Originally, when I started this damn, lovable thing, I was in Kuwait and I had way too much free time on my hands. I made posts regularly.

Then I came back to the United States. Things changed. I was suddenly not so bored and writing to pass the time. Now I had to get myself to write for the sake of writing. It’s tough man – real tough. I am disappointed with myself and how long it took to reach 100 posts. I am trying to vow for 100 posts per year from this point – and that’s not actually hard when you think about it. It’s slightly less than two per week.

Man I suck.

I will now bring you an insider’s look at The Potvin Newsly. First, some stats.

Most Viewed Posts

  1. Chernobyl Goes Record Sixth Day Without Zombie Attack
  2. Bobby “Psycho” Fischer Dead at 64
  3. Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María Jesús González
  4. Bear Survival Kit
  5. Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA
  6. Bear Attack Week: Bear Lethality Index

All of those have over 1,000 views, and How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian is nearly in that group with 981 views at the time of this post being published. This clearly tells me what the readers want: Zombies, Psychos, Serial Killers, and Bears. Without even trying that hard, I’ve established clearly the most brutal blog on the internet. Permission granted to bow to my superiority.

Comments. Comments are always welcome here on The Potvin Newsly, even if they are combative, cordially demeaning, lack capitalization, come from Ireland, are way off topic, or irrelevantly disgusting, are contrived and directionless, lack grammar and punctuation, or are just generally retarded. I’ve only ever denied one comment, and that was because it was about a page and a half long and was about as hard on the Jews as Egypt. The ancient one.

One of my favorite things that has happened, several times, during the course of the first 100 posts, is the response I get from fake news stories. Even though the stories are listed with the tag “Fake News” they still get reported as true by some people. Often times threads are started on faraway websites because of the fake news I post – sometimes in a foreign langue (scary). And some people were very upset (and confused) when they heard that an 11 year old boy was arrested for being an accomplice to murder when his aunt shot and killed a doctor with his spudgun.

So that’s the jist of the cool stuff. See a more candid look at The Potvin Newsly by checking out the 200th Post.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Loves

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 9:38 pm

There are few things as worthless as a writer in love. Perhaps a Fig Newton wearing a wristwatch is comparable. People might think that a writer in love has an advantage, as writing does need inspiration, and what’s more inspiring than love?

Poppycock, I say! Writers in love are lethargic, miserable beings. They aren’t inspired; they’re consumed. You know the thought of “two lovers being one”? Isn’t that the same as saying you’re half the person you used to be? Still, people can argue that a writer in love is a writer with his/her priorities set.

Hogwash, I say! Someone in love has their priorities skewed, I promise you. They don’t understand the importance of much, least of rationality. And if you can’t rationalize, then you can’t relate. This does occasionally work when you write to an audience who feels they can’t relate to anyone else, like teenagers. R.L. Stine, you whacked out fucking genius… He must be a great writer.

Poppywash, I say! He’s a marginal writer at best. But still way more famous than me. And the tragic part is he doesn’t even seem to be held captive by love’s hold; he’s just a bad writer. Not that I’m here to pick on Stine. There are thousands of shitty writers getting published all the time. I’m just mentioning him because I’ve owned and read many of his works.

Now some writers do have their best works come out of them when they are absorbed into a relationship. But this “best work” comes out of the most fucked up relationships, quite honestly. Or it comes when the two have split, and one’s ego must meet one’s humility – then let the writing begin. So being in love can be good for a writer – either your fucked up relationship gets you to type out fantastic manuscripts, or your heart-wrenching breakup does.

Hogcock, I say. Being in love is bad for being a writer. Still, right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[What a shitty post this turned out to be. Man, I really am a bad writer now. – Author]

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How to: Make a ‘Recession Proof’ Résumé

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résumé for real.

  1. Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.
  2. Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.
  3. Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.
  4. Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.
  5. Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

WizardLucrative careers like this are just waiting to be snatched up.

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