Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

DO NOT REPUBLISH – CONTACT SUPPORT – History Channel to Officially Change Name to Hitler Channel

NEW YORK, NY — History, formerly known as The History Channel, announced today that it will be known as The Hitler Channel starting in 2010.

The American television channel had previously changed its name from The History Channel to just simply History on April 20 of 2008, coincidentally also Hitler’s birthday. Again in celebration of Hitler’s birth, executives announced that on April 20 of 2010 the channel will be renamed to The Hitler Channel.

Harvis Tolmes, the fake Executive Vice President for History’s parent network A&E, said that the move pays tribute to the man who is mostly responsible for the channel’s success. “Without Hitler, I don’t even know if there would still be a channel on TV about history today, let alone two. We owe him a great deal.”

The network had tried to tone down the channel’s image of only broadcasting Hitler related content in the past. “A&E at first thought this was a bad image for the History Channel,” explained Tolmes. A&E created the Military History Channel to partially take the Hitler programming load away from History, “but it hasn’t really worked,” said Tolmes. “Now we’re embracing it, and we think the market will respond positively.”

Tolmes still expects there to be plenty of Hitler to go around for both channels in the future. “The Military History Channel will still be focused on the primarily historical aspects of Hitler, mostly just the factual stuff. But the Hitler Channel will follow in the path of History and focus primarily on made up stuff,” Tolmes said.

The Hitler Channel is expected to continue its frequent broadcasts on Nostradamus and speculative theories about the end of the world featuring quack specialists. “We’ll still have [those kinds of shows],” Tolmes stated, “but just expect there to be a Hitler twist in there somewhere. Did aliens help the ancient Egyptians build pyramids? Maybe, but if they did, did Hitler know about it? And did he have scientists working on unlocking the secrets of the pyramids so he could unleash superior alien technology on the Allies?”

Viewers could also look forward to even more straightforwardly fictional accounts of Hitler. “We’ll have shows about things like, what if Hitler lived in the age of dinosaurs? and stuff like that,” said Tolmes. “Or maybe a sitcom where Hitler accidentally got a girl pregnant in college, and the mother tragically dies so now Hitler, who had no idea about it and now works in a law firm, has to take care of this four-year old that came out of nowhere. Talk about hilarious!”

Tolmes figures the channel to be successful, despite a number of critics and deriders. “When Cartoon Network launched, people said ‘Oh you could never have a channel that shows only cartoons 24 hours a day.’ Same thing with ESPN and sports, only they’re even more successful. Now people want to say ‘You can’t have a channel only about Hitler.’ Not only do we think that’s untrue, we’re planning ahead for possibly other channels based on the success of this one. Maybe a Genghis Khan Channel, or a Napoleon Channel. Heck, we might even have a Mayan Calendar Channel, though it’s hard to see that one working past 2012.”

A&E announced that it had secured the rights to Hitler’s name and likeness, giving them mostly exclusive broadcasting rights. A&E has also purchased the rights to the film The Boys From Brazil from Twentieth Century Fox, which will be played all day on January First as a New Year’s Day marathon, and and 8-10 times a day everyday thereafter.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica ┼ákara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, ┼ákara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.