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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bear Attack Week: Bears Vs. the Rest of the Animal Kingdom

It’s easy to think that Bears are only trying to eliminate humans, but let’s face the facts: bears are out for world domination over all animals. They’re just really focused on humans because we’re “top dog” so-to-speak. I suppose dogs are the actual top dogs, since they have the most dog-like features, but you know what I mean.

Bears pretty much have physical dominance over all other land animals, or so they thought. Take a close look at the farms around Hygiene, Colorado, and you might just find a certain cow named Apple that chased a black bear out of her favorite tree. This cow maybe “The One”. We’re not certain until he get the test results back from Morpheus, but this cow does should an extraordinary and innate ability to destroy Bears in the Matrix.

Though Apple maybe a source of newfound hope in the Global War on Bearrrorism, the situation still looks bleak. Also, bears are making steady advances on naval warfare, as documented by wikiality.com. Apparently, bears might be mating with sharks to produce a superbreed of predators, known as the bearshark. Even worse is the potential for a super-superbreed known as the pyro bearshark, which is a flaming version (and I don’t mean a gayer version, I mean literally flaming… with flames).

So bears are already promising to conquer everything from the highest mountains to the deepest depths of Poseidon’s kingdom, but we’ll still have space, right? Well, maybe not. Take a look at this disturbing photograph.

Below: A Bear Astronaut
Clearly bears are ready to challenge man’s dominance in the final frontier.

Now, Minnesota authorities would have you believe that this bear just got its head stuck in a two-and-a-half gallon plastic jug, but that smells like bad hogwash from a mile out. Obviously, this bear was preparing for a full orbit around the earth. Bears are out to eliminate man’s presence even in outer space!

This post will conclude my special feature of Bear Attack Week. Hopefully I have spread the essential knowledge about the dangers bears pose to all of us, and hopefully I’ve helped to save at least one (human) life. Until next year, keep vigilant, and stay the hell out of Alaska.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: Beating Your Bear

No, that’s not a euphemism for masturbating the male sex organ; neither yours nor the bear’s. Quite simply, it is how to how to defeat your bear in battle.

Now, a lot of “experts” will tell you to play dead, and maybe the bear will just get bored and leave you alone. Sounds probable, right? Well, that might be the way some surrender monkeys do it, but I advise otherwise. Think of a bear as Hitler. Did Hitler get bored with conquering Europe when other countries let him annex Austria and Czechoslovakia, even though Germany was explicitly forbidden to do so? No, and that’s exactly my point – an attacking bear, much like an attacking Hitler, must be fought back against.

A lot of people might be thinking, “I can’t beat up a bear.” That’s okay; in fact, over 98% of people can’t beat up even a lousy black bear, let alone a grizzly or polar variety bear. But you don’t actually have to beat up the bear, you just have to fight it a little bit. Bears are incredibly lazy animals, and they make even worse off as fathers. Mother bears rarely get there allotted court ordered cub support. Deadbeat motherfuckers. Anyway, since bears have this incredible laziness about them, they usually won’t go through with a fight. I.E., if the bear sees that you’re fighting back, it’ll probably just give up.

And you don’t have to be strong or in great shape to do it, either. Look at the case of Steve Bartley, from Springfield, Oregon, who used his bare hands (terrible pun) to fight off the largest grizzly seen in Yellowstone in 30 years. Impressive. Added to that is the fact that Bartley is a 59 year old man; he’s probably not in his peak physical condition. He looks like John McCain could beat him up. Here, here’s a picture.

Below: Steve Bartley

Kid Rock wrote a song about you, brotha-man.

Some people might say “Hey, I know Steve, and that guy’s a total badass. In fact, he’s mastered four different martial arts, not including a fifth fighting technique called ‘Grizzly Annihilation’ that he spent three years learning from ninjas in their super secret underwater ninja academy. Plus I once saw him crush an apple with one hand, but granted that was a few years ago.” Well that all may or may not be true, but you don’t even have to be as smart or as badassed as Sensei Bartley-sama here. Take the following example.

Devon Rees, some 18 year old dumbass from Alaska was recently mauled while walking home from a friend’s house. Now, before I get a bunch of comments from angry Alaskans I just want to say one thing: Yes, he was probably birthed from an incestuous relationship as well. Just kidding, but seriously though, this guy was an idiot (and it probably didn’t have anything to do with him being from Alaska). Rees was walking at night, when he reportedly “couldn’t see a thing” on a trail where bears had been spotted “every night,” according to Rees’ uncle, the good Mr. Dr. Rev. R.J. Jones.

Now I’m surprised that Rees didn’t just play dead, considering the context of his stupidity, but in his defense, he was smart enough to fight back against the bear. Eventually, the bear left, making all in the crowd believe that Rees had in fact won the fight. Controversy erupted, however, when local police lieutenant Paul Honeman scored the fight as a “tie.” Rees told reporters that he “earned [his] bragging rights” by fighting the bear, adding “I bet I’ll get a ton of pussy, first from sympathy for my wounds, then later for the recognition of my gallant bravery, for women will realize that I can also protect them while we walk down bear-laden trails through the pitch black darkness of the night.” Rees then added, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll just become a pizza delivery boy or a T.V. repairman.”

So there you go; just about anybody can defeat a bear in close combat. And by “defeat” I simply mean “prevent death from,” so just insert it into the previous sentence as applicable. And, if you lose a fight to a bear and it kills you, don’t feel bad. Just remember: hey, it’s a fucking bear – you weren’t supposed to win.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Bear Survival Kit

Belgian Malinois

I don’t know about you, but I find that bear (or, some might argue, that Belgian Malinois) to be pretty bad-ass. But that’s because it’s not directly in front of me. It would still be bad-ass, sure, but it’d also be terribly frightful. And if that doesn’t scare you, well this should:

Fire Bear
Half Bear, Half Dragon, All Metal

Looking at that almost makes me crap my pants. In the bad way, too.

Whatever can we do to protect ourselves from bears, be they real or partially mythical and/or created by a friend on paint in Norfolk? One word: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit. Or, as I have dubbed it, the Bear Survival Kit. Looky here:

Below: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit
Bear Survival Kit
Better than John Candy’s emergency double-barrel lamp.

Boi yeah! Eat lead, bear! The kit comes with many useful tools, such as a stylish waterproof case, compass, and a whistle, so you can blow it to try to scare off the bear in case you don’t have time to get to the gun. But that’s not all, it also includes some emergency space blankets, for those times when you find yourself trapped in orbit outside the earth’s atmosphere and are struggling to keep warm. But that’s still not all! The Blast Matchâ„¢ Firestarter will allow you to start a fire under almost any conditions. Pay the extra money and upgrade to the Drew Barrymore Firestarter, which will allow you to start a fire under any and all conditions through Miss Barrymore’s unique pyrokinesis. Excellent!

Still not enough to get you to float the $1,500 necessary to own this assuredly life-saving kit? Well, the kit also includes a signal mirror, some sort of saw, and Smith & Wesson Extreme Ops Liner Lock Folding Knife with Black Sheath. That knife sounds cool, huh? You bet it does. Buy it today! And, if you’re worried that there won’t be any bears around to defend yourself against, you can easily pass the time by reading Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival by Larry Mueller. (You can click on that link, but that book won’t do you any good without the survival kit, idiot.)

Sure, all of those goodies are nice, and necessary for survival, but the true centerpiece is the snub-nose.

Below: The Widowmaker… for Bears
Bear Survival Gun
Still want my picnic basket, motherfucker?

If, for nothing else, you have to get the kit for this. As long as you bring this baby along, you’ll ensure safety for yourself and your loved ones. This stainless steal .500 caliber beaut weighs a little under three-and-a-half pounds unloaded. With an overall length of nine inches and a five round capacity, you’re guaranteed to either kill that attacking bear or really piss him off. And I mean super pissed off.

Rest assured, people, anyone who does not own this kit is sure to be killed by a savage, vicious bear. And it will be rather unpleasant. I’ve written several letters to the president to try to get these issued to every American at birth (right along with one’s birth certificate) but I have yet to get a response.

Added bonus: This could be a hearty addition to your zombie survival kit. I recommend buying it now.