Potvin Newsly

Thursday, October 22, 2009

St. Louis Rams Drop Down to Conference USA

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.

Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.

“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”

“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”

Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”

Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”

Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”

Friday, November 21, 2008

Donovan McNabb Kisses Sister

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Donovan McNabb, the Philadelphia Eagles’ starting quarterback, has come under fire recently for photos showing him passionately kissing his sister at a family reunion this past summer in McNabb’s hometown of Chicago, Illinois. The pictures show McNabb and his sister in escalating poses, starting first with simple hugging and kisses on the cheek, but moving on to groping, open-mouth kissing, and dry humping.

Many speculative “news” commentary shows, such as Countdown With Keith Olberman, Fox & Friends, and even the lowly radio calamity The Glenn Beck Program, began deriding McNabb for the photos. Feeling pressured, McNabb hosted a press conference earlier today to explain his position. While many thought McNabb would state that the woman in the pictures was not really his sister, or that he or his sibling was adopted, McNabb apparently claimed that he didn’t know he was doing “the wrong thing.”

“I’ve never been criticized before for kissing my sister,” McNabb said. “I didn’t even know you weren’t allowed to do that; I didn’t know that was in the rule book.” Reporters asked McNabb what he was referring to when he said “rule book,” but McNabb just continued, digging himself a deeper hole. “In college, nobody seemed to mind me making out with my sister. Even in high school and Pop Warner. But I guess now that I’ve been an NFL quarterback for 10 years, I’m just magically supposed to know the rules. I’d hate to see your guys’s [sic] reaction if you found the sex tape me and her made.”

Several of McNabb’s teammates stood by their quarterback. “This is news to me,” Eagles center Jamaal Jackson said. “My understanding is that you can make out with whoever you want, incest or not.” Defensive end Trent Cole learned the social taboo seven seconds before the Eagles officially tied the Bengals 13-13 in a November 16th game. “I was like, ‘Okay, so McNabb made out with his sister.’ So what? I’d make out with my sister. Hell I’d even make out with his sister. I was just really concerned with going out there and playing that second overtime, though.” After getting the news that one shouldn’t make out with his own sister and that NFL games can end in ties, Cole was visibly upset.

Other players from around the league are stepping up to defend McNabb, as well. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said the press was blowing the photos and McNabb’s comments out of proportion. “I think people are making too big a deal and are being too hard on Donovan, because you’d be surprised; I bet 50 percent of the players in the league didn’t know that you shouldn’t kiss your sister.” Roethlisberger’s teammate, wide receiver Hines Ward admitted that he was one of them, even though Ward was scolded by his mother for making out with his sister just six years ago following the Steeler’s draw with the Atlanta Falcons in 2002.

“No, I didn’t know,” Ward said. “I thought I was one of the last ones to be yelled at for making out with my sis. I thought you just kissed whoever you want. It’s kind of weird now that making out with your sister is still considered socially taboo.”

Roethlisberger reiterated his previous statements, saying “How often does it come up? The rules change so often that you never know what happens; I mean look at Angelina Jolie and James Haven. Tell me there wasn’t something going on there.”

In response to the media’s reaction and the attention given to McNabb, Rush Limbaugh commented on his daily radio program, saying “I don’t think McNabb’s been that incestuous from the get-go. I think what we have here is a little social concern in the NFL,” Limbaugh said. “I think the media have been very desirous that a black quarterback do his sister, and I think there is a little hope invested in McNabb, and I think he got a lot of credit for his performance at this family reunion that he didn’t really deserve.”

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: The Sunday Spotlight

For weeks I published the Sunday Spotlight once the 2007-2008 NFL season had ended. I had promised to deliver one Sunday Spotlight every Sunday until the games began again. This did not happen.

Instead, I published a mere eight of the football inspired posts. That’s kind of disappointing, but hey, I don’t see you out there writing about football.

Well, the 2008 NFL season has started, albeit just the preseason. Nevertheless, this is the last of the Sunday Spotlights for the time being. Like Brett Favre, it is time to retire. And, also like Favre, they will likely return next year, even if some people don’t want the Sunday Spotlight hanging around, and getting in Aaron Rodgers’ way.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Belated Sunday Spotlight: Frankford Yellow Jackets

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

The Frankford Yellow Jackets were a professional football team that played in a Philadelphia neighborhood in the NFL from 1924-1931, though their origins stretched back to 1899.

In the Yellow Jackets’ first year, the team, coached by no-good Punk Berryman, finished in third place after an 11-2-1 campaign. Their next year, 1925, was unspectacular, but it did feature some remarkable items. It was legendary Guy “Champ” Chamberlin’s first year with the team. Also, the team played a part in the 1925 NFL Championship controversy. The Chicago Cardinals and the Pottsville Maroons were having a tiff as to which team was better. As it stood, the Maroons had a better record after defeating the Notre Dame All-Stars 9-7. But the Yellow Jackets argued that the Maroons had violated a territorial agreement wherein the Maroons would stay the fuck out of eastern Pennsylvania. The league agreed and ordered the immediate execution of the 1925 Pottsville Maroons, and then awarded the league championship to the Cardinals.

The next year, 1926, would be Frankford’s greatest. They finished 14-1-2-0-1, and earned the league championship. The season featured a thrilling 7-6 win over the Chicago Bears. The victory was surprising as Frankford had never beaten the Bears in the past and was forced to take the field without stars Daddy “Papa” Potts and Swede “Mama” Youngstrum. Chicago scored first, but Guy Chamberlin, always the opportunist, boarded up the goal posts the day before, and the Bears extra point attempted failed, giving them only a 6-0 advantage. Late in the fourth quarter, the Yellow Jackets rallied after a 50 yard reverse. Quarterback “Two-bits” Homan caught a touchdown pass on (what must have been) a trick play on 4th & 3. Cool. Chamberlin, who had wittingly ordered that the plywood be taken down off the goal posts at half time, sent his team on for the extra point, giving them the margin of victory.

Still, the ’26 championship could not be sewed up, as the Yellow Jackets would have to face the Pottsville Maroons. A loss to the Maroons would hand the championship to the Bears. A win or a tie would ensure the the title would come to Philadelphia. With the Maroons having been ‘retired’ the previous year, many predicted an easy victory for Frankford. It was not so. As no players took the field for Pottsville, the clock ran out in both halves without Frankford getting possession even once. However, the Maroons failed to gain a single yard against the stiff Yellow Jacket defense, and the game ended in a scoreless tie, wrapping up the championship for Frankford, and giving Pottsville a record of 0-0-14 in what was deemed one of the “most balanced, completive seasons ever played by a single team” by Sports Illustrated.

The rest of their history is pretty boring. They ended up folding due to the pressure of the Great Depression. I’ll leave you with a picture of the NFL Champs.

Below: The 1926 Frankford Yellow Jackets Footballin’ Club
Frankford Yellow Jackets de 1926
Winners of Pseuperbowl MCMXXVI

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Why I Hate the New England Patriots

I’ve recently said that I hate the New England Patriots. It’s true, I do. I hate the staff, the players (except Seau), the fans, and their fucking Superbowl victories. But why do I hate the New England Patriots? A lot of people have hated them this year, because they were set to go 19-0, and under dubious circumstances to say the least. But my hate for the Patriots is not “bandwagon hate” as you might say. No, my abominating of them stretches back to the year 2001.

In 2001, the Patriots were trying to improve upon the 2000 season, which saw them go 5-11 under Bill Belichick. That was Belichick’s first year with the Patriots, though he had been a head coach before, in Cleveland from 1991 to 1995. I didn’t know all of that back in 2001, but I did know that the Patriots sucked, and they had a head coach who had gone 41-55 thus far (just below 43% winning percentage).

Quarterback Drew Bledsoe was in obvious decline, having thrown 36 TD passes compared to 34 interceptions in the past two years, and failed to have a QB rating over 80 in the same time frame. Neither of those years did the Patriots have a winning record. But it wasn’t like Bledsoe was some God-awful quarterback that completely sucked and was solely responsible for his teams losses.  Although Bledsoe played at a mediocre standard, so did the rest of his team. Bledsoe alone could not be the reason his team had sucked so thoroughly.

So the Patriots come into 2001 and lose their first two games. In their second game, a 10-3 loss to the New York Jets, Jets linebacker Mo Williams delivered a vicious but legal hit on Drew Bledsoe, injuring him for multiple games. Enter second year quarterback Tom Brady, who nobody had ever heard of outside of Big Ten fans.

Brady apparently “turned the team around,” but after ten games the Patriots were still only 5-5. Granted they had just reach their past year’s win total with six games left to play, but they were in no position to win the Superbowl. Tom Brady or not, this was still a team that went 5-11 last year with an 8 year veteran quarterback who had been to a Superbowl. Now it’s a team with a second year quarterback who had only thrown three career passes coming into the season.

But Brady was loved by all (except me). As his hype grew, I hated him more. He didn’t seem to actually be that good. He was decent, he was better than average, but he was not fucking spectacular, as everyone would have you believe. But somehow, they finished the regular season on a six game winning streak. Motherfuckers.

That winning streak included three games that the Patriots won by a combined total of 11 points. They beat the Jets by one (17-16), the Bills by three (12-9), and the Dolphins by seven (20-13). If the Patriots had lost any of those games, or even their overtime game against the Chargers in week five (a 29-26 victory), the Patriots would fall to 10-6, and likely play on the road in the wildcard round. But no, they won, and got a bye-week. Somehow, they fucking won those fucking games, and everybody was licking Tom Brady’s ballsack because of it.

And like I said, he wasn’t some sort of amazing, spectacular phenom. Despite playing in 15 games, Brady barely threw for 2,800 yards. He had only 18 touchdown passes, and 12 interceptions. That’s not terrible, but it’s not what God’s passing numbers would look like, either. Also, Brady fumbled 12 times. He had a respectable QB rating of 86.5. His one remarkable statistic was that he had a nearly 64% completion rate, which is really only “amazing” because he was a second year QB, and a first year starter. But overall, he was nothing great.

“But he was new, and young, and inexperienced,” you might say. Okay, well Kurt Warner came in as, guess what, a second year QB and a first year starter **gasp!** for the St. Louis Rams in 1999. What coincidences! Here’s what isn’t a coincidence: Warner passed for over 4,300 yards, 41 touchdowns (at the time the second highest season total ever), with only one more interception (13) in his first year starting versus Brady’s, despite nearly 90 more passes attempted. He completed over 65% of his passes, and finished the season as the NFL’s highest rated quarterback, with a rating of 109.2. At season’s end, Kurt Warner was named the NFL’s Most Valuable Player of the year. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a spectacular, unbelievably successful, phenomenal, jaw-dropping debut year for a quarterback. Tom Brady was just there, playing football, learning how not to make mistakes. Tom Brady was nothing special, or so it seemed.

The Patriots got a bye week, and were set to play the Oakland Raiders at home in the 2nd round of the playoffs in January, 2002. The Patriots won the game 16-13 in overtime, a game dubbed “The Snowbowl”. In the 4th quarter, the Patriots were trailing 13-10 when a controversial call ruled a Tom Brady fumble to be an incomplete pass with 1:47 remaining. Raiders linebacker Greg Biekert recovered the fumble, but the play was overturned after review. (The next year, the rules were changed because of this play and it would have been ruled a fumble.) The Patriots maintained possession, and with 27 seconds left, Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri made a 45 yard field goal in the blowing wind and heavy snowfall that barely fucking cleared the crossbar. Bastard. The game went to overtime.

In overtime the Patriots converted a 4th down and 4 and Vinatieri eventually kicked a 23 yard game-winning field goal. Fucking cheating bastards. Damn I hated them at this point. Their unwarranted success continued to fill me with rage at their continued unwarranted success; a vicious circle.  But the Patriots would have to go play in Pittsburgh, who appeared to be the much stronger team.

Had Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart not sucked so terribly at football and thrown two interceptions in the fourth quarter, Pittsburgh might have gone on to win the game, but instead lost 24-17. Fucking Patriots. Oh, how convenient that the Patriots are in the Superbowl only a few months after 9-11. There’s a fucking conspiracy theory for you. Fucking A.

That’s okay, though, the Patriots would have to take on m’boy Kurt Warner, fellow Iowan, and “the greatest show on turf” in the St. Louis Rams in Superbowl XXXVI. With 1:30 left in the fourth quarter and the scored tied at 17, the Patriots got the ball back with no time outs left. What happened next completely sickened me. The Patriots drove down the field and were able to drive to the Rams 30 yard line, and Brady spiked the ball with seven seconds left. Adam Vinatieri kicked the game-winning 48 yard field goal “as time expired,” but you can bet your sweet ass there were still two seconds left on that fucking game clock when the ball went through the uprights. Motherfuckers.

Add to my hatred for them a report from the Boston Globe that reportedly said the Patriots video-taped the Rams practicing the day before the Superbowl. True or not, I hate the New England Patriots.

Through the years the Patriots actually got better and seemed to deserve a lot of their wins, but I’ll never give them due credit of any sort. Fuck them. Fuck them all (except Seau).

The Patriots won two more Superbowls, again by only three points, and lost the latest Superbowl (again by three points). What the fuck is with the three points shit? Probably cheating or something. Also, the Patriots would get additions like Corey Dillion or Randy Moss, and that would just piss me off more. And this next year they’re getting the 49ers first round draft pick, the 7th pick.  Fuck!  Plus, Brady actually became a good quarterback, then a great quarterback, then a holy-shit-he’s-probably-the-best-ever-now-and-I-just-hate-him-more-because-of-it quarterback. Fucking motherfucker.

So, over the years, with every win and every title they’ve won, I’ve hated the Patriots more. Every highlight and every article featuring the Patriots or one of their fucking players or satanic coach Belichick has had me hating the Patriots evermore. And this year, when they went 16-0 and were set to represent the AFC in the Superbowl… Oh God, how I hated those fucking New England Patriots. So even if it had to be the Giants (and that fucking puke, Eli Manning), who beat my beloved Packers (and thus stole their opportunity to beat the Patriots), I’m just glad somebody fucking did it.

And all of that is Why I Hate the New England Patriots (except Seau).

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Archie Manning Had Sons Switch Teams

NEW ORLEANS, La – From his Garden District home in New Orleans, Archie Manning allegedly told close friends that he arranged for his sons, both NFL quarterbacks, to switch teams in Week 17 of the 2007 NFL season.

The source, who spoke under condition of anonymity, told reporters about the underground “trade”. “Archie had a bunch of us over for a barbecue one night, and over a couple of beers he mentions something about how well Peyton’s been doing since Week 17. We all asked him ‘What are you talking about?’ because, you know, he’d been doing pretty bad, and the Colts even lost their playoff game.”

At this point, the source said, Archie Manning knew he had slipped up. “I guess he figured that he’d already let the cat out of the bag, because he started telling us about how he had Peyton and Eli switch teams right after Week 16.” Apparently, no one, not even the players or coaches, were keen to the difference.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin has since been reached for comment, saying, “I thought Eli sounded a little less dumb lately, but then again I figured he was just coming into his own. I guess it was just too good to be true.”

Running back Brandon Jacobs also noticed a slight difference in “Eli” but again attributed it only to improved effort. “When he stopped throwing picks, I was like ‘Damn dawg, nice game.’ I shoulda [sic] known it was Peyton the whole damn time.”

Others, however, claimed they had an inkling that something had happened. Wide receiver Amani Toomer told the press, “I know something was up when he started throwing perfect spirals, hitting his receivers in stride and stopped holding onto the ball for so long.” Toomer did not, however, consider that Eli had switched teams with brother Peyton. “I just figured he had some robotics shit put in his arm; you know, like the Six Million Dollar Man,” Toomer said.

The unnamed source told reporters Archie Manning arranged for his sons to switch teams when he saw the Giants were going to play the unbeaten Patriots in Week 17. “He said something like, ‘I knew Peyton would have a better chance at beating them than Eli would.’ Then he said he was so damned impressed with how Peyton played with the Giants that he decided to keep him in on the New York squad for the rest of the playoffs.”

Although Archie Manning could not be reached for comment, most football experts are acknowledging that the allegation is “probably true.” “Just look at how different Eli played before and after Week 17 – The differences are astounding,” said former quarterback and ESPN football analyst Steve Young. “In my mind, I just think there’s no way a player could turn himself around like that so quickly. In addition to that, look at how poorly the Colts performed in the same time period. ‘Peyton’ looked nothing like himself, and that’s probably because he was Eli.”

Michael Irvin, a former commentator on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown, commented on a Dallas radio show that he’s certain the two players switched. “That nigga [Peyton Manning] can play some muthafuckin’ football now, fo’ real. That other nigga [Eli Manning] sucks mo’ dick than a Goddamn Jenna Jameson. I mean, them niggas had ta switch. It’s obvious, yo.”

The NFL is reportedly set on investigating the case. Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Friday, “We will find out if these allegations are true, probably after the Superbowl. I don’t want to bother the teams right now, as they’re still preparing for the big one. But after the Superbowl, you can bet that we’ll look into it. Unless you’re a player – No betting for them.”