Potvin Newsly

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Chernobyl Goes Record 6th Day Without Zombie Attack

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – Recent press releases from the Ukrainian government on today reported that that Chernobyl and Prypiat have gone nearly a week without a recorded zombie incident. If these reports hold true, it would be the longest such period of peace since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster took place in 1986.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, (named World’s Hottest Prime Minister by Maxim Magazine [Author’s note – not true, but should be be]), confirmed the reports in an address to the press. “Our zombie-proofing measures in the Zone of Alienation have been paying off, and we are clearly gaining an advantage against our enemies, the undead.” Tymoshenko continued, saying “We will not rest until the body of every zombie in Prypiat and Chernobyl have gone up in flames.”

Below: Ukrainian Prime
Minister Yulia Tymoshenko
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister
Total PMILF!!!

Zombies have rarely been able to get beyond the perimeter fence of the Zone of Alienation due to their poor motor skills. But the zombie population inside the zone is fed by a constant flow of unemployed looters who illegally enter the zone to plunder its many unoccupied residences. Many of these looters find themselves trapped by a mob of the undead and become one themselves. However, due to a recent crackdown by the Ukrainian military as ordered by the government, the ghouls walk about in far fewer numbers, and no zombie related incidents have been reported since last Saturday.

“This has been a long time coming,” further commented Tymoshenko. “We must remain vigilant and we can rid Chernobyl of its post-apocalyptic zombie ridden madness. Once we do, it will just be normal post-apocalyptic madness.”

Below: Yulia Tymoshenko Again, Just
in Case You Forgot About the First Picture
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister on a Motorcycle
What’s up, baby? You can ride my bike anytime as
long as you let me dictate your foreign policy ;-)