Potvin Newsly

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Toilet Seat of Sloth

Breaking news from Ness City, Kansas. A woman who had been sitting upon a toilet seat for two years recently got off the John. This is good news for her, but really, it’s great news for the toilet.

Below: A Toilet (Allegedly)
A Toilet
Where’s the handle?

Apparently this chick, who has remained unnamed, wasn’t even sitting on her toilet for two years. Nope, it was her boyfriend’s. And do you think the boyfriend broke up with her? Nope, he just brought her food and water everyday. Talk about a freeloader! This brings new meaning to the phrase “Too lazy to get up off your own ass.” But was it laziness or mental instability? Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple (that’s his real name… Whipple) investigated the, uh… scene? Sure.

Whipple resonded to the, uh, incident, when the woman’s boyfriend phoned the police to say there was something wrong with his girlfriend. Is that a fact? Whipple said the woman’s skin had physically grown around the toilet seat. Why, that doesn’t sound like a problem, that’s just her ass evolving to adapt to its environment. Darwinism at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

When the police arrived, she told them that she didn’t want any help, nor did she want to leave. She was clothed, but hey sweatpants were down to her mid-thigh, and she appeared to be suffering from atrophy in the legs (or, some might say benefitting from the atrophy). Whipple did point out that she wasn’t restrained in any way, but she was “just physically stuck by her body.”

Below: A Toilet Seat (Supposedly)
A Toilet Seat

But what could they do if they could not remove the women from the toilet seat? Simple ingenuity, people! They removed the toilet seat from the toilet, then transported the woman, toilet seat and all, to the hospital. They (the folks at the hospital) were the ones who actually removed the seat from the woman’s ass.

When investigators questioned the boyfriend about the, uh, ordeal, he told them that he brought her food and water and asked her everyday to get off the toilet. According to the boyfriend, she typically responded with “Maybe tomorrow,” and did not want to leave the bathroom. Well, why did you just stop feeding her, idiot? Then she would have had to leave the toilet. Geesh. I should be a, uh, problem-solving-person-dude. Yeah. That’d be my title, too – PSPD for short. “Watch out, bitches, PSPD coming through!” That’s what I’d say whenever I’d walk into a room full of people. They’d know what the fuck’s up.

Whipple had some commentary regarding the uh, occurrence. “It is hard to imagine,” he said. “I still have a hard time imagining it…” This is from the man who was fucking there and saw it all. And if he can’t imagine it, then I can’t imagine how I’m imagining it right now. Maybe I just have a better imagination than him.

Others, though, were not surprised. “It doesn’t really surprise me,” said James Ellis, a neighbor. What the fuck, man? That doesn’t surprise you, not even a little bit. This begs to question, James, if that is your real name, just how long did this lady sit on your toilet, hmm? Yeah, not so talky-talky now.

Below: Another Toilet (I Think)
Toilet Aquarium
Let’s just hope that none of these fishies were hurt.