Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

Chernobyl Goes Record 6th Day Without Zombie Attack

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – Recent press releases from the Ukrainian government on today reported that that Chernobyl and Prypiat have gone nearly a week without a recorded zombie incident. If these reports hold true, it would be the longest such period of peace since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster took place in 1986.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, (named World’s Hottest Prime Minister by Maxim Magazine [Author’s note – not true, but should be be]), confirmed the reports in an address to the press. “Our zombie-proofing measures in the Zone of Alienation have been paying off, and we are clearly gaining an advantage against our enemies, the undead.” Tymoshenko continued, saying “We will not rest until the body of every zombie in Prypiat and Chernobyl have gone up in flames.”

Below: Ukrainian Prime
Minister Yulia Tymoshenko
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister
Total PMILF!!!

Zombies have rarely been able to get beyond the perimeter fence of the Zone of Alienation due to their poor motor skills. But the zombie population inside the zone is fed by a constant flow of unemployed looters who illegally enter the zone to plunder its many unoccupied residences. Many of these looters find themselves trapped by a mob of the undead and become one themselves. However, due to a recent crackdown by the Ukrainian military as ordered by the government, the ghouls walk about in far fewer numbers, and no zombie related incidents have been reported since last Saturday.

“This has been a long time coming,” further commented Tymoshenko. “We must remain vigilant and we can rid Chernobyl of its post-apocalyptic zombie ridden madness. Once we do, it will just be normal post-apocalyptic madness.”

Below: Yulia Tymoshenko Again, Just
in Case You Forgot About the First Picture
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister on a Motorcycle
What’s up, baby? You can ride my bike anytime as
long as you let me dictate your foreign policy ;-)