What follows are my daily journal entries from the days I spent in Australia. I thought about publishing these as posts one by one, but they’re not very funny. That wouldn’t really bid well for my web log, now would it? Falling out of canon and whatnot; ridiculous!
These don’t actually detail everything that happened, and in person I have many, many, many more stories to whip out from my time spent on the “Forgotten Continent”. For reference, I arrived in Sydney on Wednesday, March 19th. There I saw many of the sights and heard many of the sounds of Sydney. I was very touristy (word?). I arrived in Melbourne on Thursday, March 27th. There the Melbourne International Comedy Festival was taking place and I didn’t really see a whole lot of the city but I saw a shit-ton of shows. I left Australia on the evening of Friday, April 4th. Let’s get with the damn thing:
Wednesday, March 19th
I arrive in Sydney after being hassled by customs at the aeropuerto. I get a shower and a meal, then pass out till about 8 pm. Then I get drunk. Really drunk. Uh, that’s it I guess.
Thursday, March 20th
I really didn’t do much today. Kinda sucks. Just got over my jet lag was all, really.
Friday, March 21st
I couldn’t really go to sleep the night before. I stayed up till 4 am watching The Wire on my iPod. I did finally go to sleep, but I only got about two hours. I woke up at about six and started doing laundry. I saw that it was pouring rain outside. That sucked.
I hopped online after breakfast and decided to take a plane to Melbourne instead of a train. Whatever.
I decided to go ahead and go on the beach stroll. The weather cleared up a little by then. I met a Swede named Henrik. He was pretty cool. When we got to the beach, it looked like everyone around us were 12-year-olds. I was not happy. I did met a red-haired, green-eyed English chick named Lorentina, but she seemed like she came from a well-to-do family… Perhaps a little too well-to-do.
The dude running the show was being a real dick to Henrik and me, so we went and ate some kebabs instead. Then we went to a sports pub. I watched Marquette beat Kentucky then we talked sports and drank some beers.
We got lost on the bus route coming back but we eventually found ourselves back at the hostel. I told Henrik I had tickets to see Wil Anderson at the Opera House and he wanted to tag along, even though he didn’t have tickets. We get there and ultimately he ends up getting in for free. Fucker. It was cool for him though.
The show was fantastic. Afterwords, Wil Anderson autographed a book for me and we chatted for about a minute. It was cool. He seems like a cool dude, I guess.
The harbor and the Opera House rock clit, by the way. Hard, too, might I add.
Henrik and I wandered around Sydney looking for a good restaurant but all the pubs were closing easly because it was Good Friday. We ultimately ended up eating a Japanese place across the street from the hostel. It also rocked clit.
I came back to the hostel and watched my very attractive English roommate change her clothes right in front of me. It was a good day.
Saturday, March 22nd
I decided early on to go to the aquarium. So I did. It was pretty cool. At first, there was this platypus exhibit, but no platypus. What. The. Fuck? I went to the information counter and asked them, “Is there supposed to be a platypus in there?”
“Uh, yeah,” the girl at the counter told me. “Is he not in there?”
“No,” I sternly replied.
“Oh, well um, maybe he’s still sleeping,” she said with a smile.
Sleeping. Sleeping? Fucking sleeping?! Lady, do you even know why I came to Australia? At least half the reason was to see a fucking platypus.
I didn’t say any of those things, though. I just spurted out a disappointed “Oh.”
I went to a few other exhibits then came back. Then I saw the little fucker. Pretty cool. Very fucking weird. It was pretty good.
I also saw a bunch of sharks. Those were the highlights of the aquarium. Then I had some lunch after watching a flying band, and then I went to the Sydney Psuedozoo. It was pretty cool. I guess.
At lunch I met four elderly people from the midwest. They chatted it up with me. They were surprisingly “hip”. Hip, is that the word those damn kids are using these days?
I then went to Hyde Park and some Mormons tried to convert me. It didn’t work.
I also went to The Domain and took a bunch of pictures and shit. By then it was dark so I skipped the Royal Botanic Gardens.
I came back to the hostel and saw my attractive German roommate change her clothes in front of me.
Easter Sunday, March 23rd
It was getting warm and sunny in the late morning, and I went to Circular Quay and got some good day time photos of the Opera House and Harbor Bridge. Cool beans.
Then I went to the Royal Botanic Gardens and got the shit sunburnt out of my neck. Fucking awesome. There was a ton of shit to see there and it took the better part of my day. I was going to go in the Government House there but it was looking like that would cost money. No thank you. Suckers.
I then walked down to the Hyde Park Barracks and saw the museum there. Not really impressed. It was nice, don’t get me wrong, but it just wasn’t my cup of grain alcohol.
By 5:30 I was fucking starving so I hunted down some food. There’s a bit of a “Little Korea” just south of the Pitt Street Mall, so I figured I’d get my bulgogi on. But then I was like, “Man, I could really go for some buldok(sp?).” It then took me another 30 minutes to track it down, but by God, I did it. City Pacho. That’s the place.
The girl serving me tried to get me to order something else, and repeatedly told me, “Sir, that’s really spicy!” Don’t you think I know that?! I guess she didn’t. Well I ordered it, with cheese – Fuck yeah. I tried to get some Cass but she said they were all out. Disappointed, I drank five cans of Hite with my meal instead.
It was painful, but I ate about 2/3 of the plate. I couldn’t finish it, I was just too damn full. And I was getting drunk.
I felt pretty good after those five Hites in 90 minutes, so I went back to the hostel. I didn’t see anybody changing, I guess because it was too early in the evening. I ended up going to sleep at like 8 pm, I was so tired and slightly drunk. Peace easy journal. Oh yeah.
Monday, March 24th
This was the last day of the Hoopla Festival. The Hoopla Festival was a four day event taking place in Darling Harbour that mostly featured street performers. It was all free, so that’s cool.
I started my morning by going to the Chinese Garden in Darling Harbour. It was serene. Am I using that word correctly? Whatever. It only cost $6 to get in, so that rocked. I took pictures and whatever.
I went about watching the street performers. There was an electric stunt orchestra, and some slapstick comedy routines. There were also the “Raining Men”. The humor was not lost on me. Haha, wicka. I saw a lot of other acts, too. Some break dancers on stilts, that was cool. A juggler, a unicyclist, and a “strong woman” show. It turned out to be a chick from Kansas City. Small world? Maybe. There was also a Canadian performer. How about that? Or, should I saw, “How’s aboot that there?” Wicka.
Tuesday, March 25th
Today I went to the zoo. It was fucking expensive. I got to see a lot of animals that Ive never seen in real life before, though, so that was cool. I even filmed the mighty platypus swimming about. That was weird to watch. But that’s okay, platypus, I accept you for who you are: a freak of nature.
I met some nice people from Montana on the ferry back to Circular Quay. That was alright.
For night time festivities, I headed down to the hostel’s bar for dinner and a couple of beers. I singed up to play this super stupid version of pool. Then I lost because I suck at pool.
Finally, I went to Kings Cross. What a sleazy fucking rundown, slummy, shit piece of decadent filth neighborhood that turned out to be. I planned on going back the next night as well.
Wednesday, March 26th
On this day I went to the New South Wales Art Gallery and saw a bunch of artsy stuff. It was okay.
I went and got dinner and then went to the Sydney Tower to get some good pictures of Sydney’s daytime skyline. Then the sun set. Then I got some good pictures of Sydney’s nightime skyline. Pretty.
I went to Kings Cross again. All in all, pretty boring. Whatever.
When I got back to the hostel I had a pleasant chat with an English girl named Clementine, who went by “Clemmy”. I prepared my bags for the next day’s departure to Melbourne…
Thursday, March 27th
This day I flew from Sydney to Melbourne, so my morning was kind of shot. I did get settled into my hotel and everything by 3pm, so I decided to go out and do some stuff, but not before hopping on the internet quick. I saw that Patton Oswalt was doing a show and I immediately bought a ticket. Fuck yes.
So I went to downtown Melbourne, but as I was staying in South Yarra, I needed to take some public transit. I decided to take the light rail or tram as it’s known there, but that fuckin’ took FOREVER. From then on out it was the train for me; much faster.
I went and got some food and picked up the tickets for my show, then got some tickets for two other shows: The Delusionists in Everything That Ever Happened, Ever; and The Comedy Zone.
The Delusionists were great. I really enjoyed the show. The Comedy Zone was pretty decent, as well. There were four stand-up comedians. The first and last one were very good, and the middle two were okay.
Then I went and saw Patton Oswalt. But before he came on stage, there were some opening acts for him, and all together it was INCREDIBLE.
Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler came on after a local MC did a short bit. Kristen and Kurt’s act included a very good polio cabaret. Excellent. Then David O’Doherty came on and did some stuff while wearing what appeared to be a monkey outfit. He was very funny as well. Then Patton came on, and… wow… That was just an amazing show all around. I met him after the show and we talked for a minute and shook hands. That was neat.
I ended up walking back because it was 2 am and I was too cheap to pay for a cab. Big mistake, especially when it started raining. It was coming down hard. That’s what she said.
Friday, March 28th
I went downtown around noon, but then I realized that I had forgotten my ticket to go see Arj Barker. That blew because I had to go back to South Yarra then back to Melbourne CBD. I went to go see Bill Hicks: Slight Return that evening.
A British guy named Chas Early does the Bill Hicks routines and it really did sound like everything you would think Bill Hicks would say. It was pretty entertaining overall.
I then went to see Arj Barker, who was very funny. I had pretty good seats for that and I really enjoyed myself. Then I went to go see an improv show. Honestly, it was okay, but I wasn’t too impressed. I still had a good time, though. Worth the price of admission.
Saturday, March 29th
I went to Chinatown and found a fairly decent Korean restaurant and ate myself some good bibimbab. Deliciouso!
I saw Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler perform this night. I had to go see their show after watching them perform that short bit when opening for Patton Oswalt. It was a great, great show. I sat in the front row and Kristen gave me a cream filled donut from Krispy Kreme. Yummy. It was extra tasty because it was free.
I also went to Ali McGregor’s Late-Night Variety Nite Night show, which was very good. There I saw Asher Treleaven do some very entertaining comedy-butterling (word?) and some Ali McGregor cabaret auto-harpness (word?… seriously).
Kurt Braunohler performed and he was very funny. He gave me and some other members of the crowd free baggies of his new energy powder, “cocaine”. Then David O’Doherty did a set which was also superb. Overall, it was a great show. I then met Kurt Braunohler after the show and we talked a little bit. That was pretty cool. And that’s it.
Sunday, March 30th
I saw four shows this day. First, Asher Treleaven’s show Cellar Door. It was pretty good, but not as good as I expected after seeing him at Ali McGregor’s. That’s okay, I still laughed a lot. What sucked was that his show started late and ended late, so I missed the first 15-20 minutes of the next show I went to see, David O’Doherty’s It’s David O’Doherty Time. I was convinced to go see his show after watching him open for Patton Oswalt and also his bit at Ali McGregor’s. It was a good show but I vowed to see it again because I missed the opening quarter.
I then went to see Greg Fleet, who was pretty good, but he too opened late and went longer than normal. So I had to run to get to the next show, Ali McGregor’s. Yes, I saw it two nights in a row. I was that impressed. It was a decent show again with a different line up of comedians. Asher’s alter-ego Saxson the Comedy Butler earned the nickname Fagatron. Pretty cool.
Monday, March 31st
This was easily my best day in Australia. I bought tickets for three shows on this Monday but I did not go to a single one. Allow me to explain…
First, the fire alarm went off in my hotel. That blew. And no fire. Kind of disappointing. Anyway, I end up going to the CBD and when I get there I decide to see some shows. For whatever reason, Monday is the day with the fewest shows playing, so I didn’t have very many options, but I made it work.
After getting lunch and whatnot it was only 2 pm, but the first show I had tickets for didn’t start until 8. I then decide to go to the Royal Botanic Gardens. I wander around the Gardens until the batteries in my camera die and I decide to leave. I take the long way around to get out of the Gardens as it’s more scenic.
As I walk up a flight a steps I come across a pavilion and a group of people. It turns out to be Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, David O’Doherty, and some other performs (most notably people from Pappy’s Fun Club and Pig Island). They were doing some quick, silly mini-skits for their own amusement. I watched from a distance because I am amused, and eventually they demanded that I perform as well. I did a quick bit about planting a battery tree. It was warmly received.
They invite me to partake of their food and I do. We walk to the city’s edge together as I am headed there to get dinner and they go to find a taxi, as they proclaim they’re going to a party. I had no intentions of overstepping myself and asking for an invitation, but I do end up getting invited. I was secretly very excited. On the outside I just showed mild appreciation, however.
It was a very pleasant dinner party and I had a lot of fun. Plus a free dinner. It tasted great, being free and all. They were some of the nicest, coolest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of spending an evening with. I’ll never forget that.
Tuesday, April 1st
Since I had missed some of David O’Doherty’s act the first time around, I returned on this evening to see it again. Still funny.
David had, at the dinner party, highly recommended that I go see Daniel Kitson’s show, The Impotent Fury of the Privileged. So I did. It was about two hours long. It was passionate and empowering. It was deep and complex, but it was still simply funny. And it made you more human to see it. In short, it fuckin’ rocked.
It was a truly awesome show, and as I said it was two hours long. I can only envy him for being able to conjure up that much material and seamlessly perform it without having the act trip over itself. As mentioned, it was deep and brilliantly woven together; I was almost too drunk to fully enjoy it.
Pretty solid. No, very solid.
Wednesday, April 2nd
This day I saw Stefan Popovic. He was decent, but he’s very young, so I’m sure he’ll only be getting much better in no time. Good luck to him.
I enjoyed the performance is all I’m saying.
I had met Nick Coyle and Claudia O’Doherty (both from the trio Pig Island) on Monday at the Gardens and promised to see their show Simply Fancy. It was a small play put on by them and it was very good. I thoroughly enjoyed myself then chatted with them for a short while after the show.
Thursday, April 3rd
This was my last full day in Australia, and it was a pretty solid day overall.
I walked a little through the Royal Botanic Gardens again, but I didn’t really see a whole lot.
I went to go see the Delusionists for a second time, and it was very fun, again. I was part of “Team Pyrotechnics”. It doesn’t really mean a whole lot but it was fun.
I had met some of the guys from Pappy’s Fun Club at the Gardens on Monday, specifically Matthew Crosby and Ben Clark. (Were there others there? I may never know.) Well, I thought I should at least see their show. I did and it was completely fucking hilarious. It was possibly the best show at the entire festival. The only show that could have really touched it was when Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, and David O’Doherty opened for Patton Oswalt. Pappy’s Fun Club was a fucking masterpiece of comedy. It crushed everything before it that had ever called itself funny. I almost fell out of my chair from a violent seizure of laughter. It was THAT GOOD. I’d give it 4 out of 5 stars (just kidding).
I then grabbed a quick meal of venison at the Swiss House and went to go see Princess Cabaret. It was pretty good. Worth the price of admission, easily. It’s just a pity that I had to watch it after Pappy’s Fun Club, though, because not many shows can really stand next to that. Oh well.
I finished the night by watching some variety stand-up. It was great. The show was hosted by Dave Callahan, who did a great bit on the history of goths. The show featured some very funny people, including Maeve Higgins and Mark Watson. I think Watson did too much coke before coming on, but his super-hyper stage presence only added to the funny.
Later that night, I slept.
Friday, April 4th
I went to Batman Park this day. Not really impressed.
I couldn’t go see any late shows as my flight out was in the evening. But I did buy tickets for Howard Read’s show, Little Howard and the Magic Pencil of Life and Death. It was mostly set up to be a kids’ show, but I had heard it was actually entertaining for all who entered, regardless of age.
As I was waiting for the show to open, I started to loiter near the entrance. Then I saw Daniel Kitson and the guys from Pappy’s Fun Club come up. They too were planning to see the show so we chatted for awhile. Daniel bought me a pack of gum. It tasted great, but it was extra tasty because it was free. If you’re reading this, thanks Daniel.
So we all watched the show together (and with a bunch of kids). It was really good; very enjoyable.
After that I grabbed some dinner, got my hair cut, bought my souvenirs, and left. <insert sad, crying face here> !
And that’s it.