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The Heroes List

What follows is not actually a list of my personal heroes, just remarkable people worth mentioning because I would like to meet them so they could be praised/destroyed by me. This was originally posted under my Myspace profile; I’ve since decided to burn my Myspace, but I felt this was at least worth saving.

(This list is in no particular order.)

Jon Stewart – Comic genious with a lot of experience, and I’d like to pick his political brain to see if I actually agree with his views or not.
Norman McDonald – I need to know why this man is not currently one of the bigger names in comedy. Certainly talented enough to be.
Jeffrey Ross – One of the better stand-up comedians of all time. Fuck you if you think otherwise.
Nick Swardson – Great standup routines, above average actor… Why can’t he get his big break? (Recently Updated) Newsflash: Grandma’s Boy sucked, that’s why.
Patton Oswalt – This man does stand up routines so funny that you’ll want to kill the nearest living thing that’s not laughing.
General William Westmoreland – Not a hero of mine, I just want to punch him in the face.
Jenna Fischer – Greatly under-rated actress from “The Office.” I’d like to get a picture of her and I so I could brag about it in front of my friends.
M. Night Shyamalan – One of the better directors of this era of film-making… but the dialogue almost always sucks! Fuck, M., why do you do this to your movies! Argh!
Rod Serling – This man changed the way we watch television, the way any opening scene is done ever, the way dramas are shown on television, and helped form a fan base for science fiction. Andy Griffith (probable racist)can suck a dick, Rod Serling was the true king of early American television!
Alfred Hitchcock – Most people think Hitchcock’s old school teachings aren’t in use anymore, but one look at the boob tube proves otherwise. Get down with his “…Presents” series and you’ll feel what I’m talking about if you have at least average intelligence. Aside from television, he had the feel and passion for making horror movies to be about horror, superb acting, and the art of great film-making, before the genre sold out and got cluttered with high shock value eye candy.
Breanne Ashley – Total hottie.
Sam Waterston – Fucking rocks! Those are the only two words that should EVER immediately follow his name.
Stephen Colbert – Great improv artist (makes “Whose Line…” look gayer than it already is), so when he does have time to write (like on his show), he’s damn near peerless.
Ed Harris – I don’t really consider him a hero or want to meet him, but I just want you to know that he’s better than George Clooney.
Matt Stone & Trey Parker – Two supremely talented individuals, with a knack for anything that can be put on film. A duo great at writing comedy and musical score. True masters of the art of comedy (they’re not all about shock value).
Matt Groening, Sam Simon, and James L. Brooks – These guys have a knack for comedy and writing that I wish I had, for 8-10 seasons anyway. Why did you let The Simpsons become the mess that they are today?
Tina Fey – Overtalented, under recognized, and a hottie (desptite being 37). Age is just a number Tina… Marry me?
Conan O’ Brien – If it weren’t for being in Jay Leno’s shadow for a significant portion of his career, O’Brien would probably be recognized as one of the better comedy writers of all time. Eat your heart out, Monty Python!
John Goodman – An actor who has far more talent than he is credited for, but sadly he wasted what could have been his best years on Roseanne. Although most assuredly a financially sound decision, he sealed his fate as being one of the most under-rated actors you’ll ever see.
Jim Gaffigan – I really like this guy as a stand-up. He does some decent comedic acting too. One very noticeable flaw: Can’t embrace things being quiet when doing stand-up.
Todd Barry – I really like this guy’s stand-up. He’s patient and delivers funny punchlines that make the wait through the silence worthwhile. Haven’t seen him much anywhere else, though.
Andrew Daly – Sometimes just known as Andy Daly, this guy is out of control funny. Always seems to have a lot of fun with his characters, whether deep in a scripted role or playing to the tune of improv (what he’s probably best at). A really under-rated comedian/performer.
Matt Besser – In my opinion, probably the best improv comedian alive right now.
Brendon Small – WHOA, this guy’s stuff is just too funny. Watch Metalocalypse if you don’t know what I’m talking about. A somewhat obscure guy with little screen time on tv, but a great writer, especially when it comes to dialogue and comedy. A true master that seems to be getting better all the time (look at the progression between Home Movies and his present creation).
Mary Birdsong – Seems like a decent actress, but awesome at improv and creating her own sketch work. I know Reno 911! has a lot of improv, but it feels like she’s not meeting her full potential right now…
Amy Poehler – Most people know her from SNL, and she’ll soon be known as the funny blonde from Blades of Glory with Will Ferrell, but if you get the opportunity, watch her on UCB – she did some great work there.
Andy Kaufman – If you don’t know why this guy was great, you need to research him yourself… C’mon, people.
Rainn Wilson – This guy is way too good. Sometimes I fear he’s overshadowing the rest of the cast on The Office.
Christopher McCulloch – Wrote for The Tick while attending college, but most notably the creator and co-writer of The Venture Bros., which has too many great things about it to name. If you haven’t seen this guy’s work, make it your mission to do so.
Sarah Silverman – I can’t beleive I left her off of this list for so long. I’m such a dumbass. She’s truly talented and original which speaks volumes, especially when too many writers/comedians are turning to regurgitated crap. Her new show is good, but could be better. This one’s a looker who’s best talent lies in stand-up. And props for not using canned-laughter on the new show.

Honorable Mention
Dudes from Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Will Ferrell
Chevy Chase
Gregory Peck
Rowan Atkinson
Brian Blessed
Matt Walsh
Jerry Minor
Andy Milonakis
Bears
Andy Richter
Dragons
Zombie Lincoln
Nancy Walls
“Doc” Hammer
Daniel Tosh
Steve Carrell
Billy Bob Thornton
Nicole Sullivan

People who used to be on the list but aren’t anymore:
Leah Remini – Fuck scientology
Kevin James – You whore

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4 Comments »

  1. You’re fucking funny.

    Comment by Random PFC — Sunday, March 9, 2008 @ 7:24 pm | Reply

  2. Too right about Breanne Ashley–sadly I think her fate is sealed as well. Oh well there’s always porn. “Motor-whore Massacre” or maybe “Motorhome Masturbation.” Either way I can totally see it working.

    Comment by DIRTYMICK — Friday, March 21, 2008 @ 7:50 am | Reply

  3. Excellent reference to the obscure, shitty, and very hilarious b-movie where Miss (hopefully?) Ashley appeared in a supporting role for her breasts and ass, the true stars of the show.

    Comment by Jill Hater — Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 10:04 am | Reply

  4. Breanne Ashley for … life.

    Jim freaking Gaffigan … You aim way too low, man

    John Goodman did “Oh Brother Where Art Thou” and Monsters inc. after rosanne. I’m now stuck wondering what might have been.

    This is a pretty weak heroes list chief. I’ve come to expect more from you. If not a more compelling variety a cleaner explaination of who you’re talking about and what they mean to you rather than “ZOMG super funny guy.”

    The Ed Harris plug was, however, absolutely brilliant.

    Comment by ohthathurt — Thursday, October 22, 2009 @ 3:05 am | Reply


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