Potvin Newsly

Thursday, May 28, 2009

AP Wire: San Francisco Moves to Iowa

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Paul Asshurts came to Iowa with his partner, Bryan Danbert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Asshurts. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Asshurts joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Danbert. Asshurts agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ ”

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”