Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine “suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Machine (Comma) White Noise

No, my friends, this isn’t a machine that pumps out shitty movies based on Don DeLillo novels – It’s something far more virtuous. And it’s actually less stupid, if you can believe that.

No, this isn’t one of those things that roves around vacuuming
your floor, and you probably can’t redesign it to suck you off.

Behold! You are now held witness to the greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the pillow! What does it do, you ask? Why, it makes noise sir! Ahem, or ma’am.

See, what you, the innocent consumer, don’t know is that during the night there’s a lot of unwanted or even disturbing noises. Ya know, stuff like passing traffic, cats fighting, newly-orphaned children crying, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, for example. And how can you get a restful night’s sleep with all the ruckus of man’s destruction going on in the background? You’ve got to mask that noise good sir, with more noise. Or ma’am.

Now, some people sleep with fans or air conditioners on. But the thing is, they, the other innocent potential consumers, just don’t realize that those noises are also distracting. So it’s not actually helping you, even if you think it’s helping you. Just about the only thing that can put your ears and mind to rest whilst preparing for sleep is this provocatively groovy white noise machine. And how can you be certain it’s provocatively groovy? Because it’s advertised on vat19.com, and they attest that they are “purveyors of curiously awesome products”. So pretty much the same thing.

But that picture up above? Doesn’t look so curiously awesome; I think it could use a little ‘zazz. Behold! You are now held witness to the even better, new and improved greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the stupid fucking pillow! … :

Oh no! I am also aware of my tongue!

Remote (Comma) Jumbo Universal

We used to live in a time where bigger meant better, and everybody strove for bigger TVs, bigger cars, and bigger steaks. But then those “convenience” and “economical” fads started to take off and left us with mini-laptops, hybrids, and supermodels. In a brave effort to reverse the trend and set us back on the right track of needlessly wasting materials and resources on larger products, one courageous company, Innovage, has taken a step forward. Ladies and gentlemans, may I present to you the Jumbo Universal Remote Control.

Below: A True “Texas-Sized” Remote, If You Will

“Texas-Sized” because it’s the only remote that can
match the size of a true Texan’s overinflated ego.

And that’s not some kid’s hand (or even a woman’s) – note the hair. That’s a good look for a hand model.

Now, normally one wouldn’t tote some comically oversized device as being convenient, but this truly is. First of all, it’s too big to lose, unless you’re like me and own one of the seven jumbo recliners originally designed for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I’ve lost this thing several times in that chair, so be bery very wary.

Also, it’s so big that even old people can use it. Plus, it’s extra soft buttons will keep your elders from hurting themselves, not like regular remotes with firmer buttons that have been known to poke people’s eyes out.*

*May not be a true statement.

But it’s biggest advantage is that, according to the manufacturer, it can be programmed to control up to eight devices, so it conserves space. Think of it as owning a bus instead of owning eight family sedans; isn’t that more convenient? I thought so.

Now, some critics might point out to you that the remote only has five function buttons at the top (instead of eight), and that you have to use two hands to use it, and that it takes six D cell batteries, and that the infrared laser has been known to cause blindness and severe skin burns, and that it emits excess radiation that’s dangerous to small children and pregnant women, BUT HEY NAYSAYERS, STOP TRYING TO RAIN ON EVERYBODY’S PARADE!!!1!one!

Sorry for yelling, I just felt it necessary.

Seriously though, don’t point this at anybody’s face and keep it out of reach of small children.

All she wants for Christmas is her eyesight back.

Bear Survival Kit

I don’t know about you, but I find that bear (or, some might argue, that Belgian Malinois) to be pretty bad-ass. But that’s because it’s not directly in front of me. It would still be bad-ass, sure, but it’d also be terribly frightful. And if that doesn’t scare you, well this should:

Half Bear, Half Dragon, All Metal

Looking at that almost makes me crap my pants. In the bad way, too.

Whatever can we do to protect ourselves from bears, be they real or partially mythical and/or created by a friend on paint in Norfolk? One word: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit. Or, as I have dubbed it, the Bear Survival Kit. Looky here:

Below: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit

Better than John Candy’s emergency double-barrel lamp.

Boi yeah! Eat lead, bear! The kit comes with many useful tools, such as a stylish waterproof case, compass, and a whistle, so you can blow it to try to scare off the bear in case you don’t have time to get to the gun. But that’s not all, it also includes some emergency space blankets, for those times when you find yourself trapped in orbit outside the earth’s atmosphere and are struggling to keep warm. But that’s still not all! The Blast Match™ Firestarter will allow you to start a fire under almost any conditions. Pay the extra money and upgrade to the Drew Barrymore Firestarter, which will allow you to start a fire under any and all conditions through Miss Barrymore’s unique pyrokinesis. Excellent!

Still not enough to get you to float the $1,500 necessary to own this assuredly life-saving kit? Well, the kit also includes a signal mirror, some sort of saw, and Smith & Wesson Extreme Ops Liner Lock Folding Knife with Black Sheath. That knife sounds cool, huh? You bet it does. Buy it today! And, if you’re worried that there won’t be any bears around to defend yourself against, you can easily pass the time by reading Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival by Larry Mueller. (You can click on that link, but that book won’t do you any good without the survival kit, idiot.)

Sure, all of those goodies are nice, and necessary for survival, but the true centerpiece is the snub-nose.

Below: The Widowmaker… for Bears

Still want my picnic basket, motherfucker?

If, for nothing else, you have to get the kit for this. As long as you bring this baby along, you’ll ensure safety for yourself and your loved ones. This stainless steal .500 caliber beaut weighs a little under three-and-a-half pounds unloaded. With an overall length of nine inches and a five round capacity, you’re guaranteed to either kill that attacking bear or really piss him off. And I mean super pissed off.

Rest assured, people, anyone who does not own this kit is sure to be killed by a savage, vicious bear. And it will be rather unpleasant. I’ve written several letters to the president to try to get these issued to every American at birth (right along with one’s birth certificate) but I have yet to get a response.

Added bonus: This could be a hearty addition to your zombie survival kit. I recommend buying it now.