ESPN Still Trying to Convince Nation That NASCAR Is a Sport

BRISTOL, CT — Despite the majority of Americans feeling a general opposition to the notion, ESPN is still trying to convince everyone that NASCAR is a sport.

The network, which has dominated sports coverage in America for several decades, has launched a new ad campaign to help convince viewers and critics who are still unconvinced that NASCAR is really a sport. New slogans to help recruit fans and boost viewership include, “Yes, We’re Still Showing It on SportsCenter”, “It’s Really a Sport… Seriously, We Mean It”, and “NASCAR – Give It Another Chance… Pretty Please?”

Below: One of ESPN’s new photo ads to help convince people
that NASCAR is a really sport and should be taken seriously

“I think these new commercials are great. People need to know that NASCAR really is a sport,” said ESPN analyst Dale Jarrett. “I mean, sure it seems like we’re just driving around in circles really fast, and yeah, that is most of it, but that’s really hard.” Jarrett continued, “Really, really hard. Like bricklaying. I also think bricklaying is a sport because it’s also hard.”

Tim Cowlishaw, another ESPN NASCAR analyst, also insists that it is a sport. “Sure, there’s no ball, and there’s no tournament or postseason, and there’s not a major college system of racing, or really anything else that matches the characteristics of most American sports,” Cowlishaw went on, “but that doesn’t mean it’s not a sport.”

“NASCAR is America’s fastest growing sport, which, by definition of that sentence, makes it a sport,” explained Terry Blount, one of ESPN’s NASCAR reporters and frequent contributor to ESPN.com’s NASCAR page. “I mean, if it wasn’t a sport, then how could it be the fastest growing sport, huh smart guy? Plus,” Blount continued, “lots of people think it’s a sport, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that large groups of people cannot possibly be wrong about any widely held belief they have.”

Despite ESPN’s staunch supporters and efforts, NASCAR continues to be criticized by some for not being a sport at all. Critics point out that the vehicles used in races are not stock cars at all, thereby defying the very name of NASCAR (which stands for National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing), which would be akin to the NBA using a volleyball in its games. Others point to NASCAR’s confusing and contrived scoring system, which is overly difficult to follow during a race. These critics also claim that the scoring system arbitrarily gives higher scores for end-of-season races, ensuring that no driver gains an insurmountable lead and causes fans to lose interest; though such a brash claim is highly suspect as most sports would consider this both highly unorthodox and completely unfair. Still others point to NASCAR’s negative environmental effects, and that it is just plain boring. Beyond that, critics point out that NASCAR is not even the highest level or most difficult form of auto racing.

When asked what he thought of such criticisms, Dale Jarrett responded angrily that “It’s a bunch of crap! Crap crap crap crap crap!” Jarrett became visibly upset and said that he had something in his eyes, and excused himself to the bathroom while sobbing.

Fox News: We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood

NEW YORK — The Fox News Channel tackled a topic today that it had recently only danced around, by categorically describing all Muslims as “pretty much evil” and embraced the change wholeheartedly in its new slogan We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood.

Journalists, anchors, contributors, and hackneyed scientists employed by the channel all supported the decision to declare Muslims as evil. “We pretty much all feel this way, anyway,” said Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson. “I mean, why hide behind our thinly veiled bigotry any longer? We’re just coming out with it.”

Bill O’ Reilly, on of Fox’s most popular personalities, said that Fox is just “stating what is pretty obviously truth.” O’ Reilly stated that “liberals want you to think that you live in a world where Muslims are actually people, and not this mutant strain that lives only to kill and terrorize real humans.”

Glenn Beck, another Fox personality who has skyrocketed in popularity and support in recent months, also supports the network’s new stance, although takes a less accusatory role, surprisingly, than O’ Reilly. “Let’s be honest with ourselves; Muslims are not the cause of all our society’s problems today. We also have problems with communo-facism and left-wing Constitution-killers,” Beck continued, “although all those people really start with a Muslim base. So they’re the root cause of all our problems, but we still have to get rid of the day-walkers that they spawned.”

Sean Hannity called it a “bold move” and said he expects Fox’s viewership to rise, because Fox is “really just saying what every American is feeling.” Hannity also claims to know a guy who knows a guy who knew somebody that had their blood drank by a Muslim. “They’re the terror of the night,” Hannity continued, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could turn into bats. But I’m sure they’re not allergic to the sun so we’ll have to use military force to stop them.”

Shepard Smith failed to toe the company line, however, saying “This is bad.”

Fox’s website has also been updated with safety and emergency plans for the average American family. “We feel that all Americans should be educated in how to Muslim-proof their houses and their communities,” said Newt Gingrich, host of Fox’s new show “Keeping You Safe and Afraid: Muslim Terror and Threat Alert Warning News Show: How to Keep Your Blood Safe from Followers of Islam: Hide in Your Basement With a Gun”.

Muslim leaders in America and around the rest of the world said they were not surprised by the News Channel’s new slogan, saying that fundamentally nothing has changed. Radical Muslim extremists condemned the news and Western culture in general, and continued to blow things up and shoot civilians like they do on a regular basis.

Cop Killed Two Days After Retirement

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ — Marvin Pendergast, a former police officer who retired only two days ago, was killed in a boating accident near his new home in Lake Havasu City.

Pendergast spent over 30 years working for the Los Angeles Police Department, serving most of his years as a detective belittled by the majority of his coworkers. Pendergast was known best for chasing down recently unemployed and divorced middle class white men rampaging across the City of Angels in search for answers and retribution for their failed lives, often ending with Pendergast shooting the individuals at Manhattan Beach Pier.

Pendergast did inexplicably reach retirement, however, and moved with his wife to Lake Havasu City, the couple’s planned retirement spot. Pendergast bought a yacht as per his retirement plan, but never learned how to operate waterborne vessels properly as even he himself fully expected to be a corpse before retiring. Tragically, his inept boating skills caused the accident as he careened the yacht into the Parker Dam.

“When his retirement was coming up, [Pendergast’s coworkers] were always joking that he’d die before he was able to call it quits,” said Detective Sanchez, an officer who worked with Pendergast over the years, and who also constantly put cat litter in Pendergast’s desk drawer. “Once I heard he died only two days after retirement,” Sanchez continued, “I was like, ‘Oh, I guess nobody ever thinks about that too much.’ Still tragic, I guess, but not as tragic.”

Amanda Pendergast, the victim’s wife, stated that she fully expected her husband to be dead before retiring as well. “The day after he retired I was sort of relieved, sort of disappointed,” said Amanda. “I’m not actually too upset right now because I had been mentally preparing this for years. I even had a new love interest set up for my husband’s tragically timely death which is now somewhat less timely.”

Captain Yardley, Pendergast’s officer in charge for many of his final years of service, called his death “unavoidable”. “Sure he was able to escape death’s cold grasp before he retired,” Yardley reasoned, “but this obviously threw the universe out of whack. Policemen dying right before they retire is both a rite of passage and completely out of everyone’s control.”

Yardley questioned if Pendergast’s death was actually an accident or if Pendergast was ultimately murdered by “the creepy Thanatos-premonition thing” from the 2000 film Final Destination.

Yardley reflected on the greater relationship between all policemen and dying before retirement, saying “We all [police officers] know that when we sign up, we’re not just here to protect and serve. We’re also here to die tragic deaths before we complete our legacy of work, usually immediately after sharing our long-thought-out plans for our golden years with a younger partner, likely in the squad car before what is thought to be a ‘routine’ traffic stop, or perhaps at a diner that is, unbeknownst to us, filled with assassins hired by the mob to kill the lead detectives threatening said mob’s existence.”

Stoner Has Difficulty Describing Lost Item

MINNEAPOLIS — A local stoner had a difficult time describing a lost item to his friends in an unsuccessful bid to find said item.

Jesse Ardennes, 28, who works at a construction company specializing in floor tiles, told his friends that he couldn’t remember when or where he last saw the item, though he was pretty sure it was important.

“We were just hanging out over at his house,” said Ardennes’ friend, Dustin Duetenmeyer, 27. “He was like, ‘Let’s fire up the bong’ and we were like, ‘Okay’ but then he was like, ‘Oh, wait. Wait – wait. I think I lost something.’ ” Ardennes then repeatedly told his friends, “Yeah I definitely lost something.”

“And we were like, ‘What did you lose, man?’ ” said Philip Hoyer, another one of Ardennes’ friends who was at the scene. ” ‘What’d you lose?’ And he just kept saying, ‘Uh, a thing, dude. It was this thing, and uh, I think I lost it. No, no, I definitely lost it.’ ”

Ardennes went on to describe the item has having a certain size that he could not recall, and also a particular shape that he would recognize if he could only see it. “It’s probably around here somewhere. Oh wait, I know where it is,” Ardennes reportedly told his friends while rushing into his bedroom, only to return empty-handed and sullen.

Ardennes was not sure if he had tasted the object or not, though he did remark that it felt like “one of those things that makes your fingers feel like, you know, you’re touching stuff.”

Ardennes also remarked that the missing article was at least one color, but maybe more, as he wasn’t sure. “Fuck, what the fuck are those things called?” Ardennes soured. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

When asked by his friends who Ardennes was referring to, he remarked, “That guy, you know. I think his name is Tom. Or Fred. You know who I’m talking about, right?”

Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.

Duetenmeyer then asked his friend if the item was possibly located in his car, to which Ardennes replied, “Dude, maybe it was my car.” Ardennes reportedly took a “mega-hit” off his bong then stated, “No, wait, it’s not my car. It’s um, it’s uh, one of those things that you can buy from that one place.”

Ardennes is still reportedly searching for the object, aggravating his friends, and forcing Alzheimer’s upon himself.