Taiwan Declares War on Romania Over Santa Record

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Taiwan’s head of state, President Ma Ying-jeou declared war on Romania today, calling the country “arrogant and blatantly out-of-control.” Ying-jeou’s message was prompted by Romania breaking the world record for most Santas in one place on December 21, a record that formerly belonged to Taipei. The gathering in Bucharest of 3,939 people dressed as Santa was confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records at the event, easily smashing Taiwan’s record of 3,618.

“Romania’s actions have been tempting the strong hand of the Republic of China [Taiwan] for too long,” said Ying-jeou, “and this last grievous offense is clearly an attempt to injure our great nation’s honor. Now we will injure the head of Romania with our iron heel. And tanks. Many, many tanks.”

Ying-jeou continued in his speech by calling out Romanian president Traian Băsescu. “I have never spoken to or even seen a picture of President Băsescu, but I am sure that he is weak of heart, and a tyrant that must be overthrown. Also I am told by my advisers that he smells like dirt between a hog’s hoof.” Ying-jeou also questioned the motives of Romanian Prime Minister Emil Boc. “If Prime Minister Boc wishes to avoid war with the mighty Republic of China [Taiwan], then he must call for the immediate execution of all those involved in the Santa record.”

In an address to the nation only a few hours after Ying-jeou’s speech, Romanian President Băsescu told the world, “If war is what Taiwan wants, then war is what we will supply it with.” The president remarked, “Romania is set to defend her land and her trivial records with the blood of all her citizens.” Băsescu said that war was now inevitable, and was assembling a “Coalition of the Not Unwilling” to “wipe the face of tyranny from Taiwan by the rampant extermination of its peoples.”

In a retaliatory message, Taiwan’s Premier, Liu Chao-shiuan said “The current straits are marked with incredulous arrogance,” and asked that Romania’s political leaders refer to Taiwan as the “Republic of China.” He called for an end by trying to organize an impromptu, emergency Santa gathering, which only yielded around 2,500 people dressed in Santa costumes, according to official sources.

“Of course he failed,” said Romanian P.M. Emil Boc, “he is a homosexual. Our belief in Romania is that all people in Taiwan are homosexuals. Although we do not think it is wrong for people to be homosexuals, we do recognize the urgent need to extinguish all forms of life on the island of Taiwan, and salt the earth there with nuclear radiation, and we just think it’s ironic that everything on Taiwan is undoubtedly homosexual. We are surprised that these mutants of the human race are able to survive from generation to generation.”

In response to Boc’s harsh words, an angry mob formed in downtown Taipei calling for immediate response from the government. Eastern Europeans who were traveling through Taipei at the time were captured by the mob and brutally murdered on site, regardless of national affiliation. The government drafted an ultimatum for Romania, calling for war unless “Every citizen commits suicide, but not all at once because we don’t want you guys to have the world record for biggest mass suicide. So spread it out over a couple of days, please.”

Romania’s leaders responded instituting a draft to support its military. President Băsescu told his citizens to “prepare for Total War. All production will be switched to support the war effort against our debaucherous enemy, who must be destroyed for the world to ever find peace again.”

The United Nations security council moved to intervene on the incident, but the motion was blocked by Zhang Yesui, the Chinese ambassador to the U.N. Yesui blocked the motion, citing “We will take care of the puny island nation for you. Please, no worry for the U.N. Great Chinese leaders will peacefully end the war with force, the great force of a million soldiers and tanks so great they cannot be counted by the land’s greatest counters.”

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice called for a peaceful end to the situation, asking NATO to step into the matter. “If we allow the superpower states of Romania and Taiwan to enter into war with each other, it could pull surrounding nations into the struggle, causing a veritable ‘World War’ if you will.” Rice added that a war between the two could have dire economic impact on the world. “A Total War economy in either state would be disastrous,” said Rice. “For instance, Taiwan is our main importer of shoddy toys and unnecessary, easily broken items that are a degree worse than imports from China. And Romania is our chief supplier of bootleg Hungarian porno films.”

Below: The Bucharest Santas
The world holds its breathe as it witnesses the 21st Century
equivalent to Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s assassination.

Fitzgerald: Obama Paid Blagojevich for “Under the Table” Deals

CHICAGO, Ill. – Patrick Fitzgerald, the US Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, held a press conference today damning President-Elect Obama’s interaction with Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich has come under fire recently for being indicted on charges that he solicited bribes for determining who would fill Obama’s seat in the U.S. Senate, a choice made by the governor. Fitzgerald noted repeatedly that there had been no findings of impropriety by Obama with regard to senate seat scandal. However, in Fitzgerald’s conference today, he raised new findings of other grave charges that specifically linked Obama to the politically toxic governor.

Fitzgerald told the press today that Obama bought stolen goods from Blagojevich, and had reason to believe that the goods may have been stolen. The federal prosecutor outlined the time period of when the two did business. “Our investigative team noted an increase of meetings between Blagojevich and Obama in the spring of 2003, shortly after Mr. Blagojevich took office as governor and when Barrack Obama was still a state senator for Illinois. Our people did not pick up a lot of phone traffic between the two, but we were able to stake them out to see that there were a lot of personal meetings. The two frequently met each other in dark back alleys, most typically between midnight and three a.m., or the ‘wee hours of the morning’, if you will.” Fitzgerald elaborated that the two would park their cars in the alley with the trunks facing each other, and then several items were typically loaded from Blagojevich’s trunk into Obama’s trunk after Obama would hand Blagojevich an envelope.

“Most of the items moved from Blagojevich’s trunk were in unmarked boxes,” said Fitzgerald, “but there was one time in particular that we noted the items were, in fact, tires.” Fitzgerald remarked that phone calls between the two individuals concerning the secretive transactions were few and far between, and became increasingly rare as their relationship progressed. “There were, however, several incriminating phone calls near the beginning of the relationship,” Fitzgerald told the press. The US Attorney played a copy of the damning evidence for the conference.

Blagojevich: “Hey, do you need some speakers?”
Obama: “Speakers, why, uh, why, I, uh, I don’t know.”
Blagojevich: “I got some top quality [bleep]. Real primo stuff, man.”
Obama: “What kind of speakers are they?”
Blagojevich: “[Bleep] what the [bleep] you [bleep] mean what kind of [bleep] speakers are they? They [bleep] play [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]-suckin’ music, mother-[bleep]!”
Obama: “No, I mean, what brand of speakers are they? Like, are they Bose? I could really dig some Bose speakers, Mr. Governor.”
Blagojevich: “Check this [bleep] out man: I can totally hook you up with some Bose speakers, I’m talkin’ like a complete [bleep] surround sound, all around your [bleep] house and up yo’ [bleep] and in your face and all that [bleep].”
Obama: “That sounds nice.”
Blagojevich: “Yeah, man, and I can totally get you hooked up today for four hundred dollars.”
Obama: “That’s a pretty good price. Are you sure you can’t hold them until, uh, um, uh, to-, uh, um, tomorrow?”
Blagojevich: “Mother-[bleep] [bleep], this [bleep] has got to go! [Bleep] this [bleep] is so [bleep] hot that it’ll burn a hole through the sun!”
Obama: “It’s hot? What does that mean?”
Blagojevich: “Stupid [bleep] [bleep], it means I gotta get rid of the [bleep] today!”
Obama: “Oh, I see, like a clearance sale. Well there’s no need for name calling. I’ll take them.”
Blagojevich: “[Bleep] [bleep] [blorp]!”

Fitzgerald also produced a note passed from Blagojevich to Obama, which stated that Blagojevich could “totally hook [Obama] up with” new tires for only forty “Washingtons,” adding that Blagojevich “borrowed the tires from a Goodyear downtown” so Obama should pay him promptly so that Blagojevich could repay the store. Fitzgerald noted that there were no records of Blagojevich or any of his staffers giving any monies to Chicago-area Goodyear retailers in payment for the tires. “And these were probably the tires we surveilled,” Fitzgerald said.

Fitzgerald told the media that the larceny charges would be added to Blagojevich’s already fattened legal case, but said that Obama would probably be left off the hook. “I don’t want to hurt the precious,” Fitzgerald remarked, “even if he is guilty. Plus, there’s evidence that supports [Obama] may have been unaware that the goods were stolen,” Fitzgerald added. “Although, this would insinuate that he is incredibly dense and unfit to lead, so I’ll just assume that he’s guilty, but too handsome to press charges against.”

Fitzgerald told reporters that Blagojevich’s conduct in regards to the larceny charges, “probably wouldn’t make Lincoln roll in his grave, but does put him at risk for Restless Leg Syndrome.”