How to: Make a ‘Recession Proof’ Résumé

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résumé for real.

1. Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.
2. Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.
3. Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.
4. Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.
5. Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

Lucrative careers like this are just waiting to be snatched up.