Potvin Newsly

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Deadliest Ungulate Update: Moose Murders Woman

Filed under: Animals,News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 10:50 pm
Tags: , , , ,

What’s the world’s deadliest ungulate? At the moment, a murderous, monstrous moose in Sweden, where a woman has been struck down in the post-prime of her life.

63 year old Agneta Westlund was killed after an evening stroll in the woods, which could be a good reason to not do that. At first, police suspected her husband, Ingemar Westlund. That is, until, they figured it was… [DUN DUN DUN!!!] probably a moose.

Think about this now: not only did a moose kill someone, but it also framed that person’s spouse for murder. We’re dealing with a moose the likes of which we’ve never seen. Smarter than the average moose. Perhaps even bigger, faster, and stronger, but also perhaps not. Probably just smarter. But still, that’s bad.

In the little picture, this is a moose that is capable of committing murder and possibly getting away with it, using the woods as a perfect hideout. But in the bigger picture, it is an even graver scenario. What if this moose begins teaching other meesen things like murder, or worse yet, a standardized alphabet? Will mooxen demand equal rights? Will they want to vote? Very serious matters indeed.

According to a tabloid, the moose was caught because it left hair and saliva on the victim’s clothes, though police have not confirmed such gibberish. If true, though, it holds hope for the human race. The moose hasn’t gotten so smart that it can completely cover up its tracks. Dodged a bullet there, humanity.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Cop Killed Two Days After Retirement

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ — Marvin Pendergast, a former police officer who retired only two days ago, was killed in a boating accident near his new home in Lake Havasu City.

Pendergast spent over 30 years working for the Los Angeles Police Department, serving most of his years as a detective belittled by the majority of his coworkers. Pendergast was known best for chasing down recently unemployed and divorced middle class white men rampaging across the City of Angels in search for answers and retribution for their failed lives, often ending with Pendergast shooting the individuals at Manhattan Beach Pier.

Pendergast did inexplicably reach retirement, however, and moved with his wife to Lake Havasu City, the couple’s planned retirement spot. Pendergast bought a yacht as per his retirement plan, but never learned how to operate waterborne vessels properly as even he himself fully expected to be a corpse before retiring. Tragically, his inept boating skills caused the accident as he careened the yacht into the Parker Dam.

“When his retirement was coming up, [Pendergast’s coworkers] were always joking that he’d die before he was able to call it quits,” said Detective Sanchez, an officer who worked with Pendergast over the years, and who also constantly put cat litter in Pendergast’s desk drawer. “Once I heard he died only two days after retirement,” Sanchez continued, “I was like, ‘Oh, I guess nobody ever thinks about that too much.’ Still tragic, I guess, but not as tragic.”

Amanda Pendergast, the victim’s wife, stated that she fully expected her husband to be dead before retiring as well. “The day after he retired I was sort of relieved, sort of disappointed,” said Amanda. “I’m not actually too upset right now because I had been mentally preparing this for years. I even had a new love interest set up for my husband’s tragically timely death which is now somewhat less timely.”

Captain Yardley, Pendergast’s officer in charge for many of his final years of service, called his death “unavoidable”. “Sure he was able to escape death’s cold grasp before he retired,” Yardley reasoned, “but this obviously threw the universe out of whack. Policemen dying right before they retire is both a rite of passage and completely out of everyone’s control.”

Yardley questioned if Pendergast’s death was actually an accident or if Pendergast was ultimately murdered by “the creepy Thanatos-premonition thing” from the 2000 film Final Destination.

Yardley reflected on the greater relationship between all policemen and dying before retirement, saying “We all [police officers] know that when we sign up, we’re not just here to protect and serve. We’re also here to die tragic deaths before we complete our legacy of work, usually immediately after sharing our long-thought-out plans for our golden years with a younger partner, likely in the squad car before what is thought to be a ‘routine’ traffic stop, or perhaps at a diner that is, unbeknownst to us, filled with assassins hired by the mob to kill the lead detectives threatening said mob’s existence.”

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Report: Losing May Have Saved McCain’s Life

Filed under: Disease,Fake News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 12:58 am

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”

Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”

Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”

John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”

“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”

To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.

Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
Clinton Before & AfterOn the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”

Below: Former President George Walker Bush
Bush Before & AfterOn the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”

Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
John McCain Before & AfterOn the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.

[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. – Author]

[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore’s work, but was created independently. I found Moore’s page while searching for ‘before & after’ photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. – Author]

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What’s Wrong With Wal-Mart?

Wal-Mart is the store of stores; giant, globalized centers feeding the life blood of the United States (and in Mexico as Wal-Mex). Larger than an aircraft hanger, more displeasing to the eye than an Estonian landfill, and packed from floor to rafter with bulk purchases of savings and elderly employment, Wal-Mart is the Alpha and the Omega of modernized, soulless department stores. K-Mart and ShopKo act as if they are fearlessly crusading to bring about consumer savings in defiance of Wal-Mart’s will, but they both know that if they saw the true face of Wal-Mart, perched high among the clouds atop Mount Bentonville, they would both cease to be.

Wal-Mart also, though, has a bit of a reputation as being “low-brow” and kind of “laymeny”. It has more than once been said before, “only ugly people shop at Wal-Mart.” But this concerns me a good bit; as it is, I shop at Wal-Mart. Is this to saw I am lower than a common man; that I have earned little more than the right to wrestle with society’s lowliest in a coldly designed warehouse?

I had thought about this for quite some time, then the idea came to me to walk about my neighborhood Wal-Mart, peering down the aisles, not for great savings or low prices on the latest off-brand mop heads, but instead to study the people within. Also, I did need to pick up some milk and cereal.

I parked my car in the vast, featureless parking lot, filled mostly with late 1980’s models cars that were running on their last legs, or perhaps had been simply abandoned there. My silver Jetta looked precariously clean; I armed the alarm. “No Corvettes,” I noted. This was a dangerous absence that clearly decreased the likelihood of seeing beautiful people inside the Wals of wall-Mart.

I entered through the exit doors, which is common for a man with the renegade spirit of a rebel renegade who rebels. The greeter eyed me as if she knew of my intentions and viewed them as dubious. I grabbed a cart, and went from aisle to aisle, as if to be shopping, but more so I was viewing my comrade consumers. Beautiful people were very few and far between, but alas, they were present. I hardly saw a person that I viewed as a degenerate. I headed for the cereal aisle to pick up my goods.

In the aisle, with cereal towering high above the floor for what seemed like yards, I saw a mother shopping with her two children, also taking upon the task of purchasing cereal. The kids were begging to get Uncle Walton’s Very Own Choco-tastic Ultra-Flavor generic brand cereal, but she refused, and together they reconciled with Marshmallow Mateys. As the mother turned to get the cereal, one of her children grabbed a bag of Uncle Walton’s chocolate disaster and placed it in the cart, hoping she wouldn’t notice. At first she was angry, but then the innocence of her child’s debauchery must have touched her heart, and the three had a very close, sincere moment together. I forget what exactly happened after that; I was getting some Reese’s cereal at the time. But it had then struck me: ordinary people. It’s just ordinary people who shop at the Wal-Mart; it’s not all lowlife scum and mutated degenerates, it’s just mostly ordinary people. I felt relaxed, and at peace with the warehouse at last. I gathered my remaining goods and headed for the checkout.

My peace had been with me only a few minutes when it died as I arrived the checkout. There I gazed upon three… “people” who were also shopping at the Wal-Mart. They were physically repulsive, and had voices akin to dying crows, and said things a destitute Paris Hilton might say. As much as they horrified me, I could not look away. It was not like passing a terrible car accident from which you cannot look away; no, it was much worse than that. It was more like watching Hurricane Katrina news coverage in the summer of 2005. One who watched could scarcely forget they were seeing a tragedy that had killed thousands of people and displaced many thousands more; a storm that had torn apart families and ruined lives, scattering them across the country like a strong breeze that effortlessly tosses about piles of freshly raked leaves. A disaster that destroyed possessions, homes, relationships, and the reputation of FEMA. One could watch, with hourly freshness, a catastrophe filled with helpless victims, something the federal government apparently found to be hilarious. And with all the despair and death and ugliness of the situation, one could not look away, no matter the effort. Yes, bottle up that idea, and compress it down into three people standing together at the Wal-Mart checkout line, and you will know exactly what I am talking about.

These… these creatures were not like you or I, but beasts among men. They appeared like those seen in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. Or more like a cross between those in The Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn… and Swamp Thing… and a pile a rocks. And not a good looking pile of rocks either; a pile divided among pumice and volcanic ash. And perhaps a bit of limestone – their skin was a bit discolored. Yes, they were like the mutated, incestuous offspring between a pile of unhealthy looking rocks and a humanoid mass of vegetable matter who fights to protect his swamp home against the evil exploits of Anton Arcane.

I ran out of the store without paying for my goods. I realized, in terror, that my experiment had yielded the results I most feared: I would now have to shop at Target.

Fucking Wal-Mart.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

The Joy of Quitting

Quitting is one of the most beneficial things you can do. In fact, quitting is so good that I often take on endeavors for the sole purpose of quitting them later on. You should be inspired to quit whenever possible.

Studies have conclusively shown that just uttering “I quit” in any capacity reduces stress, strengthens your immune system, quickens neural synapses in the brain, and reduces your chances of acquiring type II diabetes. Try spicing up “I quit,” by using different phrases, such as “I’m quitting this shit,” or “Fuck it, I quit.” These phrases, and similar ones, will have the same medical benefits.

Quitting is not something new, i.e. it is not some sort of Hollywood fad. People quit at all sorts of things: sports, jobs, drugs, marriage, et cetera. Quitting is as natural as drinking water or passing gas. But when can you decide when quitting is right for you? Keep the following in mind when you consider quitting:

  1. Never assume you’re too good to quit – Some people may say they’re “2 Legit to Quit”, but following this Hammerian philosophy is strongly discouraged. Some people just can’t seem to quit when the odds are overwhelmingly against them. For example, the people behind Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, or even Dustin Diamond agreeing to appear on Celebrity Fit Club, which he eventually quit.
  2. Even the best people quit – This somewhat plays into the first tip, because even the very best people quit. For example, Michael Jordan is typically regarded as the best basketball player ever. But in 1993, he quit playing so he could play baseball. Then he quit that to play basketball again. After winning another set of three championships, Jordan retired (read: quit). Then, in an unprecedented move, Jordan quit retirement. After sucking at basketball, Jordan quit once more, again under the guise of “retirement”.
  3. Quitting is better than failure – If you think you’re going to fail at something, consider quitting. If you know you’re going to fail, then quit as quickly as possible. If you drag things out in the face of failure hoping to win, then you’re just forcing the soon-to-be victors to drop another bomb, quite needlessly, this time on Nagasaki. Shoulda surrendered after the first one, dipshits.
  4. There’s no better time than the present – No matter what time it is, it’s always a good time to quit. Almost finished with that project? Good, quitting right before you accomplish your goal shows that you’re truly committed to quitting. Want to quit in the middle of something? Quitting in the middle of an enterprise is one of the most relaxing things you can do. Just started an endeavor? You can quit now and save yourself tons of time.

So now you know when to think about quitting. Deciding when to quit might be easy, but actually committing to quitting can be hard, especially in the face of opposition. There are a lot of people out there who despise quitting, and always recommend against it. They’ll try to get you to stop quitting. Take the first step and quit listening to them. There are many benefits to quitting.

  1. Quitting is inspirational – Ghandi made the British Empire leave one of their most prized possessions by inspiring a united effort of civil disobedience. Ultimately, India gained their independence, due in no small way to Ghandi’s Quit India movement. You too can inspire many through quitting.
  2. Quitting is good for your health – Besides the health advantages mentioned earlier, quitting can help you improve your health in other ways.  Smoking, driving drunk, shooting heroin, living in Africa, and stabbing yourself are all very hazardous to your health and well being.  If you quit doing things such as these, you will feel better and likely live longer.
  3. Quitting is attractive – Quitters get laid almost as much as pizza delivery dudes.
  4. Quitting improves personality skills – Nobody likes a sore loser.  Additionally, nobody likes a winner who rubs it in all the time.  With quitting, you can find a neutral way to avoid being either one of these.
  5. Quitters are rich – Bill Gates quit at Harvard Law School.  Warren Buffett left the University of Pennsylvania.  Sheldon Adelson also quit college.  When you’re good, you don’t need to go to college, unless you want to quit, like three of the richest people in the world did.

Obviously, choosing to quit is one of the best choices you can make.  Always reach for your dreams, if those dreams include quitting.  In fact, you can start right now.  Quit whatever it is that you’re doing at this moment.

Still reading?  You suck at this whole “quitting” thing.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Reasons to Not Assassinate the President

Lately it’s almost like you can’t throw around the words assassinate and president without the NSA, DHS, or CIA wiretapping you or monitoring your website and throwing you into one of their many secret prisons located in eastern Europe. But I saw quite the show yesterday, which had layer upon layer upon layer of seemingly impenetrable / endless / overly-excessive / infuriatingly-onerous security cake, topped with a thin icing of rooftop snipers. All of this could only make me think, “Man, who’d be fucking stupid enough to even try to assassinate the guy?” For those stupid enough, I have compiled a list of reasons to NOT assassinate the President.

  • If you get away with it, a jealous assassin will assassinate you.
  • You will not get away with it; You’re bound to get caught by somebody with a fucking cellphone camera.
  • You’ll have a bad credit report.
  • You won’t have nearly as many bands name themselves after you as you originally thought.
  • You’ll be shot by Jack Ruby’s terminally ill grandson.
  • It won’t bring your dog back from puppy-heaven.
  • All cries of “Don’t tase me, bro!” are promptly ignored by the Secret Service.
  • All cries of “Don’t kick me in the teeth, bro!” are also promptly ignored by the Secret Service.
  • Prison showers.
  • You (probably) won’t get to eat him when you’re done.
  • Rival assassins on a nearby grassy knoll fire before you even get a chance to load your weapon. Then they go to the police and blame it on you.
  • The 83 pound Belgian Malinois attack dogs employed by the Secret Service.
Below:Belgian Malinois
These are specially trained dogs from Holland, used by the Secret Service.
Belgian Malinois
Holy shit! That dog looks like a fucking bear!
  • Dick Cheney will be the new president.
  • Political asylum only offered in really shitty places to live, like Libya, North Korea, and France. **Shudder… “Not France!”**
  • Conspiracy theorists will beat off to your mugshot.
  • Your ex-girlfriend won’t take you back because of it.
  • “Zombie George W. Bush” is technically not the same person as “George W. Bush” so he could, in theory, run for office two more times.

If you’re still dead set on becoming the next Lee Wilkes Boothwald or Leon Czolgosz*, then, uh, read the list again.

*An ostentatious reference.

An ostentatious adjective.