THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Taiwan’s head of state, President Ma Ying-jeou declared war on Romania today, calling the country “arrogant and blatantly out-of-control.” Ying-jeou’s message was prompted by Romania breaking the world record for most Santas in one place on December 21, a record that formerly belonged to Taipei. The gathering in Bucharest of 3,939 people dressed as Santa was confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records at the event, easily smashing Taiwan’s record of 3,618.
“Romania’s actions have been tempting the strong hand of the Republic of China [Taiwan] for too long,” said Ying-jeou, “and this last grievous offense is clearly an attempt to injure our great nation’s honor. Now we will injure the head of Romania with our iron heel. And tanks. Many, many tanks.”
Ying-jeou continued in his speech by calling out Romanian president Traian Băsescu. “I have never spoken to or even seen a picture of President Băsescu, but I am sure that he is weak of heart, and a tyrant that must be overthrown. Also I am told by my advisers that he smells like dirt between a hog’s hoof.” Ying-jeou also questioned the motives of Romanian Prime Minister Emil Boc. “If Prime Minister Boc wishes to avoid war with the mighty Republic of China [Taiwan], then he must call for the immediate execution of all those involved in the Santa record.”
In an address to the nation only a few hours after Ying-jeou’s speech, Romanian President Băsescu told the world, “If war is what Taiwan wants, then war is what we will supply it with.” The president remarked, “Romania is set to defend her land and her trivial records with the blood of all her citizens.” Băsescu said that war was now inevitable, and was assembling a “Coalition of the Not Unwilling” to “wipe the face of tyranny from Taiwan by the rampant extermination of its peoples.”
In a retaliatory message, Taiwan’s Premier, Liu Chao-shiuan said “The current straits are marked with incredulous arrogance,” and asked that Romania’s political leaders refer to Taiwan as the “Republic of China.” He called for an end by trying to organize an impromptu, emergency Santa gathering, which only yielded around 2,500 people dressed in Santa costumes, according to official sources.
“Of course he failed,” said Romanian P.M. Emil Boc, “he is a homosexual. Our belief in Romania is that all people in Taiwan are homosexuals. Although we do not think it is wrong for people to be homosexuals, we do recognize the urgent need to extinguish all forms of life on the island of Taiwan, and salt the earth there with nuclear radiation, and we just think it’s ironic that everything on Taiwan is undoubtedly homosexual. We are surprised that these mutants of the human race are able to survive from generation to generation.”
In response to Boc’s harsh words, an angry mob formed in downtown Taipei calling for immediate response from the government. Eastern Europeans who were traveling through Taipei at the time were captured by the mob and brutally murdered on site, regardless of national affiliation. The government drafted an ultimatum for Romania, calling for war unless “Every citizen commits suicide, but not all at once because we don’t want you guys to have the world record for biggest mass suicide. So spread it out over a couple of days, please.”
Romania’s leaders responded instituting a draft to support its military. President Băsescu told his citizens to “prepare for Total War. All production will be switched to support the war effort against our debaucherous enemy, who must be destroyed for the world to ever find peace again.”
The United Nations security council moved to intervene on the incident, but the motion was blocked by Zhang Yesui, the Chinese ambassador to the U.N. Yesui blocked the motion, citing “We will take care of the puny island nation for you. Please, no worry for the U.N. Great Chinese leaders will peacefully end the war with force, the great force of a million soldiers and tanks so great they cannot be counted by the land’s greatest counters.”
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice called for a peaceful end to the situation, asking NATO to step into the matter. “If we allow the superpower states of Romania and Taiwan to enter into war with each other, it could pull surrounding nations into the struggle, causing a veritable ‘World War’ if you will.” Rice added that a war between the two could have dire economic impact on the world. “A Total War economy in either state would be disastrous,” said Rice. “For instance, Taiwan is our main importer of shoddy toys and unnecessary, easily broken items that are a degree worse than imports from China. And Romania is our chief supplier of bootleg Hungarian porno films.”
Below: The Bucharest Santas
The world holds its breathe as it witnesses the 21st Century
equivalent to Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s assassination.
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