Eagles Fans: How Dare McNabb Lead This Talentless Team to 3rd Place

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.

“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”

Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”

Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”

Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”

Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”

Donovan McNabb Kisses Sister

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Donovan McNabb, the Philadelphia Eagles’ starting quarterback, has come under fire recently for photos showing him passionately kissing his sister at a family reunion this past summer in McNabb’s hometown of Chicago, Illinois. The pictures show McNabb and his sister in escalating poses, starting first with simple hugging and kisses on the cheek, but moving on to groping, open-mouth kissing, and dry humping.

Many speculative “news” commentary shows, such as Countdown With Keith Olberman, Fox & Friends, and even the lowly radio calamity The Glenn Beck Program, began deriding McNabb for the photos. Feeling pressured, McNabb hosted a press conference earlier today to explain his position. While many thought McNabb would state that the woman in the pictures was not really his sister, or that he or his sibling was adopted, McNabb apparently claimed that he didn’t know he was doing “the wrong thing.”

“I’ve never been criticized before for kissing my sister,” McNabb said. “I didn’t even know you weren’t allowed to do that; I didn’t know that was in the rule book.” Reporters asked McNabb what he was referring to when he said “rule book,” but McNabb just continued, digging himself a deeper hole. “In college, nobody seemed to mind me making out with my sister. Even in high school and Pop Warner. But I guess now that I’ve been an NFL quarterback for 10 years, I’m just magically supposed to know the rules. I’d hate to see your guys’s [sic] reaction if you found the sex tape me and her made.”

Several of McNabb’s teammates stood by their quarterback. “This is news to me,” Eagles center Jamaal Jackson said. “My understanding is that you can make out with whoever you want, incest or not.” Defensive end Trent Cole learned the social taboo seven seconds before the Eagles officially tied the Bengals 13-13 in a November 16th game. “I was like, ‘Okay, so McNabb made out with his sister.’ So what? I’d make out with my sister. Hell I’d even make out with his sister. I was just really concerned with going out there and playing that second overtime, though.” After getting the news that one shouldn’t make out with his own sister and that NFL games can end in ties, Cole was visibly upset.

Other players from around the league are stepping up to defend McNabb, as well. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said the press was blowing the photos and McNabb’s comments out of proportion. “I think people are making too big a deal and are being too hard on Donovan, because you’d be surprised; I bet 50 percent of the players in the league didn’t know that you shouldn’t kiss your sister.” Roethlisberger’s teammate, wide receiver Hines Ward admitted that he was one of them, even though Ward was scolded by his mother for making out with his sister just six years ago following the Steeler’s draw with the Atlanta Falcons in 2002.

“No, I didn’t know,” Ward said. “I thought I was one of the last ones to be yelled at for making out with my sis. I thought you just kissed whoever you want. It’s kind of weird now that making out with your sister is still considered socially taboo.”

Roethlisberger reiterated his previous statements, saying “How often does it come up? The rules change so often that you never know what happens; I mean look at Angelina Jolie and James Haven. Tell me there wasn’t something going on there.”

In response to the media’s reaction and the attention given to McNabb, Rush Limbaugh commented on his daily radio program, saying “I don’t think McNabb’s been that incestuous from the get-go. I think what we have here is a little social concern in the NFL,” Limbaugh said. “I think the media have been very desirous that a black quarterback do his sister, and I think there is a little hope invested in McNabb, and I think he got a lot of credit for his performance at this family reunion that he didn’t really deserve.”