DO NOT REPUBLISH – CONTACT SUPPORT – History Channel to Officially Change Name to Hitler Channel

NEW YORK, NY — History, formerly known as The History Channel, announced today that it will be known as The Hitler Channel starting in 2010.

The American television channel had previously changed its name from The History Channel to just simply History on April 20 of 2008, coincidentally also Hitler’s birthday. Again in celebration of Hitler’s birth, executives announced that on April 20 of 2010 the channel will be renamed to The Hitler Channel.

Harvis Tolmes, the fake Executive Vice President for History’s parent network A&E, said that the move pays tribute to the man who is mostly responsible for the channel’s success. “Without Hitler, I don’t even know if there would still be a channel on TV about history today, let alone two. We owe him a great deal.”

The network had tried to tone down the channel’s image of only broadcasting Hitler related content in the past. “A&E at first thought this was a bad image for the History Channel,” explained Tolmes. A&E created the Military History Channel to partially take the Hitler programming load away from History, “but it hasn’t really worked,” said Tolmes. “Now we’re embracing it, and we think the market will respond positively.”

Tolmes still expects there to be plenty of Hitler to go around for both channels in the future. “The Military History Channel will still be focused on the primarily historical aspects of Hitler, mostly just the factual stuff. But the Hitler Channel will follow in the path of History and focus primarily on made up stuff,” Tolmes said.

The Hitler Channel is expected to continue its frequent broadcasts on Nostradamus and speculative theories about the end of the world featuring quack specialists. “We’ll still have [those kinds of shows],” Tolmes stated, “but just expect there to be a Hitler twist in there somewhere. Did aliens help the ancient Egyptians build pyramids? Maybe, but if they did, did Hitler know about it? And did he have scientists working on unlocking the secrets of the pyramids so he could unleash superior alien technology on the Allies?”

Viewers could also look forward to even more straightforwardly fictional accounts of Hitler. “We’ll have shows about things like, what if Hitler lived in the age of dinosaurs? and stuff like that,” said Tolmes. “Or maybe a sitcom where Hitler accidentally got a girl pregnant in college, and the mother tragically dies so now Hitler, who had no idea about it and now works in a law firm, has to take care of this four-year old that came out of nowhere. Talk about hilarious!”

Tolmes figures the channel to be successful, despite a number of critics and deriders. “When Cartoon Network launched, people said ‘Oh you could never have a channel that shows only cartoons 24 hours a day.’ Same thing with ESPN and sports, only they’re even more successful. Now people want to say ‘You can’t have a channel only about Hitler.’ Not only do we think that’s untrue, we’re planning ahead for possibly other channels based on the success of this one. Maybe a Genghis Khan Channel, or a Napoleon Channel. Heck, we might even have a Mayan Calendar Channel, though it’s hard to see that one working past 2012.”

A&E announced that it had secured the rights to Hitler’s name and likeness, giving them mostly exclusive broadcasting rights. A&E has also purchased the rights to the film The Boys From Brazil from Twentieth Century Fox, which will be played all day on January First as a New Year’s Day marathon, and and 8-10 times a day everyday thereafter.

Fox News: We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood

NEW YORK — The Fox News Channel tackled a topic today that it had recently only danced around, by categorically describing all Muslims as “pretty much evil” and embraced the change wholeheartedly in its new slogan We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood.

Journalists, anchors, contributors, and hackneyed scientists employed by the channel all supported the decision to declare Muslims as evil. “We pretty much all feel this way, anyway,” said Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson. “I mean, why hide behind our thinly veiled bigotry any longer? We’re just coming out with it.”

Bill O’ Reilly, on of Fox’s most popular personalities, said that Fox is just “stating what is pretty obviously truth.” O’ Reilly stated that “liberals want you to think that you live in a world where Muslims are actually people, and not this mutant strain that lives only to kill and terrorize real humans.”

Glenn Beck, another Fox personality who has skyrocketed in popularity and support in recent months, also supports the network’s new stance, although takes a less accusatory role, surprisingly, than O’ Reilly. “Let’s be honest with ourselves; Muslims are not the cause of all our society’s problems today. We also have problems with communo-facism and left-wing Constitution-killers,” Beck continued, “although all those people really start with a Muslim base. So they’re the root cause of all our problems, but we still have to get rid of the day-walkers that they spawned.”

Sean Hannity called it a “bold move” and said he expects Fox’s viewership to rise, because Fox is “really just saying what every American is feeling.” Hannity also claims to know a guy who knows a guy who knew somebody that had their blood drank by a Muslim. “They’re the terror of the night,” Hannity continued, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could turn into bats. But I’m sure they’re not allergic to the sun so we’ll have to use military force to stop them.”

Shepard Smith failed to toe the company line, however, saying “This is bad.”

Fox’s website has also been updated with safety and emergency plans for the average American family. “We feel that all Americans should be educated in how to Muslim-proof their houses and their communities,” said Newt Gingrich, host of Fox’s new show “Keeping You Safe and Afraid: Muslim Terror and Threat Alert Warning News Show: How to Keep Your Blood Safe from Followers of Islam: Hide in Your Basement With a Gun”.

Muslim leaders in America and around the rest of the world said they were not surprised by the News Channel’s new slogan, saying that fundamentally nothing has changed. Radical Muslim extremists condemned the news and Western culture in general, and continued to blow things up and shoot civilians like they do on a regular basis.

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

AP Wire: San Francisco Moves to Iowa

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Paul Asshurts came to Iowa with his partner, Bryan Danbert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Asshurts. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Asshurts joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Danbert. Asshurts agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ ”

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine “suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Eagles Fans: How Dare McNabb Lead This Talentless Team to 3rd Place

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.

“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”

Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”

Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”

Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”

Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”

Taiwan Declares War on Romania Over Santa Record

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Taiwan’s head of state, President Ma Ying-jeou declared war on Romania today, calling the country “arrogant and blatantly out-of-control.” Ying-jeou’s message was prompted by Romania breaking the world record for most Santas in one place on December 21, a record that formerly belonged to Taipei. The gathering in Bucharest of 3,939 people dressed as Santa was confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records at the event, easily smashing Taiwan’s record of 3,618.

“Romania’s actions have been tempting the strong hand of the Republic of China [Taiwan] for too long,” said Ying-jeou, “and this last grievous offense is clearly an attempt to injure our great nation’s honor. Now we will injure the head of Romania with our iron heel. And tanks. Many, many tanks.”

Ying-jeou continued in his speech by calling out Romanian president Traian Băsescu. “I have never spoken to or even seen a picture of President Băsescu, but I am sure that he is weak of heart, and a tyrant that must be overthrown. Also I am told by my advisers that he smells like dirt between a hog’s hoof.” Ying-jeou also questioned the motives of Romanian Prime Minister Emil Boc. “If Prime Minister Boc wishes to avoid war with the mighty Republic of China [Taiwan], then he must call for the immediate execution of all those involved in the Santa record.”

In an address to the nation only a few hours after Ying-jeou’s speech, Romanian President Băsescu told the world, “If war is what Taiwan wants, then war is what we will supply it with.” The president remarked, “Romania is set to defend her land and her trivial records with the blood of all her citizens.” Băsescu said that war was now inevitable, and was assembling a “Coalition of the Not Unwilling” to “wipe the face of tyranny from Taiwan by the rampant extermination of its peoples.”

In a retaliatory message, Taiwan’s Premier, Liu Chao-shiuan said “The current straits are marked with incredulous arrogance,” and asked that Romania’s political leaders refer to Taiwan as the “Republic of China.” He called for an end by trying to organize an impromptu, emergency Santa gathering, which only yielded around 2,500 people dressed in Santa costumes, according to official sources.

“Of course he failed,” said Romanian P.M. Emil Boc, “he is a homosexual. Our belief in Romania is that all people in Taiwan are homosexuals. Although we do not think it is wrong for people to be homosexuals, we do recognize the urgent need to extinguish all forms of life on the island of Taiwan, and salt the earth there with nuclear radiation, and we just think it’s ironic that everything on Taiwan is undoubtedly homosexual. We are surprised that these mutants of the human race are able to survive from generation to generation.”

In response to Boc’s harsh words, an angry mob formed in downtown Taipei calling for immediate response from the government. Eastern Europeans who were traveling through Taipei at the time were captured by the mob and brutally murdered on site, regardless of national affiliation. The government drafted an ultimatum for Romania, calling for war unless “Every citizen commits suicide, but not all at once because we don’t want you guys to have the world record for biggest mass suicide. So spread it out over a couple of days, please.”

Romania’s leaders responded instituting a draft to support its military. President Băsescu told his citizens to “prepare for Total War. All production will be switched to support the war effort against our debaucherous enemy, who must be destroyed for the world to ever find peace again.”

The United Nations security council moved to intervene on the incident, but the motion was blocked by Zhang Yesui, the Chinese ambassador to the U.N. Yesui blocked the motion, citing “We will take care of the puny island nation for you. Please, no worry for the U.N. Great Chinese leaders will peacefully end the war with force, the great force of a million soldiers and tanks so great they cannot be counted by the land’s greatest counters.”

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice called for a peaceful end to the situation, asking NATO to step into the matter. “If we allow the superpower states of Romania and Taiwan to enter into war with each other, it could pull surrounding nations into the struggle, causing a veritable ‘World War’ if you will.” Rice added that a war between the two could have dire economic impact on the world. “A Total War economy in either state would be disastrous,” said Rice. “For instance, Taiwan is our main importer of shoddy toys and unnecessary, easily broken items that are a degree worse than imports from China. And Romania is our chief supplier of bootleg Hungarian porno films.”

Below: The Bucharest Santas
The world holds its breathe as it witnesses the 21st Century
equivalent to Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s assassination.

November: A Month for Stupid Holidays

On November 4th, when the election was called in Obama’s favor, I experienced joyous exuberance, realizing the political campaign season was over. But that was removed on Wednesday morning when I awake to see Christmas decorations on a light pole. Without realizing it, we’d all crossed over into the dreaded holiday season.

Every year I say the same thing: “I don’t think I can make it through another holiday season.” But, ever year there’s also plenty of alcohol abound. It starts with drinking for fun on Halloween, which makes the passing out of candy to tiny ghouls all the more enjoyable. Then its merits turn strictly social by Veteran’s Day, and the drinks pile upon me in isolation by Thanksgiving, giving way to my fear and loathing of the shamelessly capitalist Christmas Spirit. And, for the entire month of December, alcohol is my dear friend and crutch, a dependency churning my insides into a flammable mush concoction and relieving my liver of its duties as it turns to scar tissue. But then it’s all over on December 26th. That calls for celebration, and sobriety has no part in that. The week following Christmas is spent in a drunken haze, and as the calendar turns over, nobody can easily point out that I am the saddest drunk of them all. January 2nd arrives in time for me to check myself into detox just before expiring.

And for what? The never-ending parade of Christmas carols, the malls packed full of sickly children, and the muddy, wet and invariably cold slush falling onto my doorstep? Even all of these are tolerable with the right drinks in hand. But, as of late, the holiday season has been getting crammed with stupid holidays. It seems the masterminds behind all of this have been sneaking in these undeserving days while we’re all distracted by elections and carols and suicides. Here I will cover November’s stupid holidays (I might just save December’s for another day… perhaps sometime in December).

• First, November’s month long observances. November is International Drum Month, National Epilepsy Month (An entire month dedicated to promoting epilepsy? Wrong on two levels!), National Model Railroad Month, and Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month. Let those sink in and try to think of a fun way to celebrate all of them at the same time.
• November 1st – November 1st is All Saints’ Day, sometimes referred to as All Hallows’ Day (from which Halloween gains its name). Celebrate It: Build yourself a bonfire and pray to the patron saint of saints. Alternatively, go to work and act like you don’t know about this day. The 1st is also National Authors’ Day. Celebrate It: Become a national bestselling author and brag to your friends about how today is for you. And lastly, National Family Literacy Day falls on the first. Celebrate It: Teach your family how to read, or drink heavily.
• November 2nd – National Deviled Egg Day. Celebrate It: Make deviled eggs and eat them until you throw up.
• November 3rd – Today is John Montague’s birthday, and he “invented” the sandwich. The day’s not named after him, but rather is called simply Sandwich Day. Celebrate It: Make your favorite sandwich, poison it, and leave it on a sidewalk somewhere.
• November 4th – National Candy Day hits America, giving you just enough time to recover from your sugar coma suffered on Halloween. Celebrate It: Instead of ingesting your candy orally, like on this holiday’s more well-known sister day, Halloween, ingest your favorite goodies rectally. What fun!
• November 5th – National Donut Day keeps you from letting your blood sugar levels return to normal yet again. Celebrate It: Dress up like a police officer, head to your local donut shop to buy the famed treats, then use the delicious pastries to lure local neighborhood children into your “squad car.” Also, the 5th is Guy Fawkes Day, also known as Bonfire Night, which celebrates tyranny ruling supreme over upstart rebellions. Celebrate It: Make a giant bonfire in the middle of your street, and light off a bunch of fireworks. Add alcohol as necessary.
• November 6th – Basketball Day marks a day dedicated to athleticism and fitness in a sea of days designated for unhealthy eating habits. Celebrate It: Play basketball on your Xbox or Playstation while eating fast food and drinking lots of soda to stay hydrated.
• November 7th – Despite protests from sane people, Hug-a-Bear Day continues to be celebrated annually. Originally dreamt up by a five-year-old preschooler in upstate New York, be warned that this exciting day could be hazardous to your health. Celebrate It: Head to Yellowstone National Park or Alaska and, well, try to hug a bear. Help yourself by wearing a jacket made of marshmallows and/or slacks of calves’ liver. Don’t forget, the 8th is also Magazine Day. Celebrate It: Switch things up by reading toilet paper and wiping your ass with a magazine!
• November 8th – X-Ray Day marks the discovery of the x-ray some years back. Celebrate It: Regardless of your health, head to your local emergency room and request a full-body x-ray. Then steal the copies when no ones looking. Alternatively, try to make your own x-ray machine!
• November 9th – Parade Day is a day for celebrating parades by not having one. Celebrate It: Watch the History Channel’s special presentation, Famous Parades, made specifically for the great day of November 9th.
• November 11th – Veteran’s Day marks the end of the First World War. Celebrate It: Usually some department stores have a special half-off sale or something of the like, to help us remember our veterans and the sacrifices they’ve made. 25% off a Kashmir cardigan? That’s what I call Bataan Death March Savings!
• November 12th – Elizabeth Cady Stanton Day, named after Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who was a women’s rights activist, I think, maybe. Celebrate It: Force your wife to bake a cake and apologize for voting, to help her remember what is was like in the before time.
• November 13th – Mom’s and Dad’s Day, a day somehow different from both Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Celebrate It: Don’t, it’s redundant.
• November 14th – National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day turns a chore into a reason to have a national holiday. Celebrate It: Take this opportunity to understand that even though you should clean out your fridge more like once a month, making a national holiday for the act insinuates that you only have to do it once a year.
• November 15th – America Recycles Day again turns a chore into a day of celebrating a chore. Celebrate It: Recycle, but to make it special, only recycle on this day that occurs once a year. The 15th hosts another holiday, Pack Your Mom Lunch Day. Celebrate It: Don’t pack lunch for your mom, instead, pack your mom for lunch. Yummy!
• November 16th – Button Day occurs annually on this day. Celebrate It: Realize that even buttons have a day and you don’t.
• November 17th – Homemade Bread Day gives you an excuse to buy a bread maker that you will almost certainly never use and mostly just wastes space on your counter top. Celebrate It: Splurge by buying a really fancy loaf of bread at the store, then putting it in the microwave to make it warm and pretend that you made it yourself. Also, Young Reader’s Day and Take a Hike Day occur on the 17th. Celebrate Them: Force your children to hike alone through a perilous mountain-side trail whilst reading Thomas Pynchon’s classic, Gravity’s Rainbow. And they don’t get to come home until they’re done with both.
• November 18th – William Tell Day marks the anniversary of when William Tell shot an apple of his son’s head in 1315. Celebrate It: Do something markedly stupid and irresponsible, then defend yourself by proclaiming “It’s William Tell Day, and like Mr. Tell, I am standing up against tyranny and the contrived, meaningless laws set forth by the oligarchy and enforced by mindless brutes.” Then, probably, go to jail.
• November 20th – Here it is, Mexican Revolution Day, clearly marking something important in Mexico’s history. Celebrate It: Remind any Mexican friends you might have that today is Mexican Revolution Day, not Mexican Independence Day. Then ask them politely to pay homage.
• November 21st – World Hello Day. Celebrate It: Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, like listening to a Barack Obama speech.
• November 22nd – Stop the Violence Day. Celebrate It: Try to elicit violent behavior from everyone you have contact with all day, then tell them to stop the violence.
• November 23rd – National Cashew Day for all you nut lovers out there. Celebrate It: See how many cashews you can feed to your dog before you have to take him to the vet.
• November 26th – National Cake Day, but be warned, cheesecake isn’t really a cake. Celebrate It: If you don’t have diabetes yet, then that should be your goal by day’s end.
• November 27th – Pins and Needles Day. Celebrate It: Try to make your arm or leg fall asleep, then stab it with pins and needles as feeling returns. Also, this day happens to be Thanksgiving Day, which is a rather obscure holiday that I’m not sure how to celebrate. Probably has something to do with bestiality, though.
• November 30th – Stay at Home Because You’re Well Day is a day dedicated to flagrant honesty and laziness. Celebrate It: Call into work and say “I’m not coming in today because I’m not feeling sick,” then hang up the phone without waiting for a response. Your boss(es) should already know about this day anyway. Word of warning, however: if you are sick, you will be expected to not only work your shift, but to cover for everyone else who wasn’t able to make it in this day.

So that’s it, there’s only about two legitimate holidays in the whole of these listed here. Keep in mind that with all the days dedicated to eating lots of food, November is the perfect month to pick up bulimia nervosa.

What’s Wrong With Wal-Mart?

Wal-Mart is the store of stores; giant, globalized centers feeding the life blood of the United States (and in Mexico as Wal-Mex). Larger than an aircraft hanger, more displeasing to the eye than an Estonian landfill, and packed from floor to rafter with bulk purchases of savings and elderly employment, Wal-Mart is the Alpha and the Omega of modernized, soulless department stores. K-Mart and ShopKo act as if they are fearlessly crusading to bring about consumer savings in defiance of Wal-Mart’s will, but they both know that if they saw the true face of Wal-Mart, perched high among the clouds atop Mount Bentonville, they would both cease to be.

Wal-Mart also, though, has a bit of a reputation as being “low-brow” and kind of “laymeny”. It has more than once been said before, “only ugly people shop at Wal-Mart.” But this concerns me a good bit; as it is, I shop at Wal-Mart. Is this to saw I am lower than a common man; that I have earned little more than the right to wrestle with society’s lowliest in a coldly designed warehouse?

I had thought about this for quite some time, then the idea came to me to walk about my neighborhood Wal-Mart, peering down the aisles, not for great savings or low prices on the latest off-brand mop heads, but instead to study the people within. Also, I did need to pick up some milk and cereal.

I parked my car in the vast, featureless parking lot, filled mostly with late 1980’s models cars that were running on their last legs, or perhaps had been simply abandoned there. My silver Jetta looked precariously clean; I armed the alarm. “No Corvettes,” I noted. This was a dangerous absence that clearly decreased the likelihood of seeing beautiful people inside the Wals of wall-Mart.

I entered through the exit doors, which is common for a man with the renegade spirit of a rebel renegade who rebels. The greeter eyed me as if she knew of my intentions and viewed them as dubious. I grabbed a cart, and went from aisle to aisle, as if to be shopping, but more so I was viewing my comrade consumers. Beautiful people were very few and far between, but alas, they were present. I hardly saw a person that I viewed as a degenerate. I headed for the cereal aisle to pick up my goods.

In the aisle, with cereal towering high above the floor for what seemed like yards, I saw a mother shopping with her two children, also taking upon the task of purchasing cereal. The kids were begging to get Uncle Walton’s Very Own Choco-tastic Ultra-Flavor generic brand cereal, but she refused, and together they reconciled with Marshmallow Mateys. As the mother turned to get the cereal, one of her children grabbed a bag of Uncle Walton’s chocolate disaster and placed it in the cart, hoping she wouldn’t notice. At first she was angry, but then the innocence of her child’s debauchery must have touched her heart, and the three had a very close, sincere moment together. I forget what exactly happened after that; I was getting some Reese’s cereal at the time. But it had then struck me: ordinary people. It’s just ordinary people who shop at the Wal-Mart; it’s not all lowlife scum and mutated degenerates, it’s just mostly ordinary people. I felt relaxed, and at peace with the warehouse at last. I gathered my remaining goods and headed for the checkout.

My peace had been with me only a few minutes when it died as I arrived the checkout. There I gazed upon three… “people” who were also shopping at the Wal-Mart. They were physically repulsive, and had voices akin to dying crows, and said things a destitute Paris Hilton might say. As much as they horrified me, I could not look away. It was not like passing a terrible car accident from which you cannot look away; no, it was much worse than that. It was more like watching Hurricane Katrina news coverage in the summer of 2005. One who watched could scarcely forget they were seeing a tragedy that had killed thousands of people and displaced many thousands more; a storm that had torn apart families and ruined lives, scattering them across the country like a strong breeze that effortlessly tosses about piles of freshly raked leaves. A disaster that destroyed possessions, homes, relationships, and the reputation of FEMA. One could watch, with hourly freshness, a catastrophe filled with helpless victims, something the federal government apparently found to be hilarious. And with all the despair and death and ugliness of the situation, one could not look away, no matter the effort. Yes, bottle up that idea, and compress it down into three people standing together at the Wal-Mart checkout line, and you will know exactly what I am talking about.

These… these creatures were not like you or I, but beasts among men. They appeared like those seen in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. Or more like a cross between those in The Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn… and Swamp Thing… and a pile a rocks. And not a good looking pile of rocks either; a pile divided among pumice and volcanic ash. And perhaps a bit of limestone – their skin was a bit discolored. Yes, they were like the mutated, incestuous offspring between a pile of unhealthy looking rocks and a humanoid mass of vegetable matter who fights to protect his swamp home against the evil exploits of Anton Arcane.

I ran out of the store without paying for my goods. I realized, in terror, that my experiment had yielded the results I most feared: I would now have to shop at Target.

Fucking Wal-Mart.

Thou Hast Crossed-eth Me! I mean, Thee…!

“What seems to be the problem Officer… ‘Douchebag’? Is that right? Huh, funny last name.” Those would have been prime words to say had I been there when Sergeant Brown wrote me a parking ticket. Of course, I probably wouldn’t have said them, but they still would’ve been the prime words that I’d like to say, so I’m stickin’ with it.

And of course, a parking ticket isn’t really a big deal, especially if you’re like me and have never been pulled over, let alone had a previous ticket to speak of. And to top that, it’s a non-moving violation, so, really, no biggie.

But the $100 fine is sort of a big deal, especialmente if you’re like moi and it’s well over what you make in a day.

But that’s not even the part that really stings. And I mean like a swarm of angry Africanized killer bees… with zombie stingers. Whoa, watch out.

The part that really gets me is that for months (okay, for the one month that I’ve lived here) anybody and their brother (and perhaps other siblings) could park just about wherever they liked to, “No Parking” signs and yellow curbs be damned! But then, one day I get a car, and, to be painfully fair, I did park in the vicinity of a “No Parking” sign. BUT, it wasn’t right next to it, there was no yellow on the curb, and the alternative spot of choice was next to a fire hydrant.

So now I’ve got this car for less than 24 hours and I go outside and lo and behold! a parking ticket.

And now I must ask into the void that is the interweb: why, why Sergeant Brown did you chose to actually do your job on the one fucking day I own a car on this Godforsaken scorched piece of earth we collectively call an army base? Fuck you, and I mean that sternly. <extreme (and I mean extreme) sarcasm> But oh no! You were just doing your job, this one time anyway. I mean, who cares if my roommate parks his Colorado on the crosswalk and my friend down the hall parks his Explorer in front of the fire hydrant? I mean, damn those are both American cars, B, and besides, they’ve owned their cars for more than a whole day. Oh, and they’ve parked there so many times, they’re practically grandfathered in. Did you tell your wife and kids what you did? They must be proud. “Yay! Daddy wrote somebody a ticket and is taking away some of that person’s money because, despite what was perceived by the general populous of the area to be complete lack of competence by the MPs in enforcing the parking standards, he decided to do his job today! Hooray for daddy!” Yep, just wouldn’t be able to win the War on Terror without you taking away some of my money. </sarcasm>

I’ll see you in court, fucker, just as soon as I rip those “No Parking” signs out of the ground and take pictures of the side street. Sucka.